krap.

2011-11-24T02:00:00.000+07:00

i am bored. like so fucking bored. i feel like i'm living in a tiny box and i'm getting too damn big for it. no pun intended, and fuck you.

i can't help but feeling like i'm stagnating. i move from this to that but there is really nothing to be looking for.

all i need is a revitalizing vacation. but the impending doom of a future with serious financial problems keep bugging me. fuck these sponsors. fuck you rich indian bound students!

when i was a little kid, mom and teachers taught me that you can't say that life isn't far. God be mad. but i can't help but yes, life isn't fair. but then, i also learn that God knows your limit. and he will not out you to test beyond those you can overcome. and after a few hard evidences of these occurrences happen right before my eyes, i believe in those words.

this too, shall over, and this too, i shall overcome.

g

2011-11-10T03:03:00.000+07:00

i think one of the hardest thing in life is having to live with your decision. bad decision mostly, but sometime good things isn't permanent, there will always be "sang hitam" when "sang putih" keeps you contented.

regret is something that comes rarely and not frequent for me. but sometimes they do. and sometimes i want them to but it never came. and i often thinking, where did i go wrong? how can i do something bad without feeling remorse or regret? i wanna feel regret. i wanna feel bad. but i just can't.

in the brave one, jodie foster asks herself when she shot dead a street punk, "why my hands aren't trembling? why i don't feel guilty?"

bravery, or foolishness?

g

2011-10-28T00:45:00.001+07:00

Devdas, after so many viewings, still mesmerizing. :')

2011-10-02T04:16:00.000+07:00

i'm not in a relationship. i mean in a romantic relationship. so i had nothing to write about, unlike those people with their feelings, and problems, and bigger than world relationship. so, oh well, i yap pretty much about the same thing here. studies, friends, family, myself and anything else.

it's not that i'm not interested in politics, or religions. is just that those two things are so overly written, and so fixed to its place, that whatever i said if i even slipped one toe out of the line, it will be wrong, the whole thing would be incorrect. also, i'm lacking in those.

so anyway, i guess so far this jedi's journey has many, many objectives but so far can be rounded into one; having it the best of everything. at this wee hour of dawn, more and more as i'm getting older i realized that it is almost impossible. you see other people would settle with their life, if they got married, the rest will flow through the gate. first job, then marriage, probably house, car, kids and then they well into their 50s. with kids and grandkids, pretty much all set for death.

i'm hoping i'm one of those other people. things, are so complicated. and i'm not saying because i'm a depressed emo kid no one understands me, no. it's complicated. and i don't know what is wrong with me, but i have dreams i want to achieve. and that dream is needed fulfilling, they can't be abandoned. i don't know what went wrong but i'm pretty much wired to believe that all those things i'm dreaming of, won't happen if i followed the path the people before me have paved.

i don't know...i just don't see myself getting married before i have everything i ever wanted right in my hands. and i'm calculating that it might be when i'm 40 i can get everything set. be real. no one marry at 40s by choice. they are there in the first place because no one wants them. and i know....no one wants me. that's depressing. but hey it's nothing, it's good that we're being realistic.

my dreams on the other hand, isn't much but to see the world. i want to see the world, in a way people rarely see it that way. i want to reach the greatest places, to see how majestic god's creation is, to be reminded of his power, and how small we are compared to this massive playground we live in. and some other things. i don't know. i just don't see how would i do it.

i don't see myself as living with someone else in a house, i mean, with another adult. with a spouse. we have to have the idea how to but i just can't. i mean, someone on your bed, in your shower, in your kitchen, watching tv with ya...it sound nice in theory, but i don't think i'd be good in the field. but i can see clearly if i'm having kids.

for some reasons, i always imagine myself as a single dad. i don't know where i pick this twisted idea, must be subconciously, but that's how i see it. that's also how i imagine running, traveling around the world. single, or with some friends, most probably not a partner or spouse.

so, to the guy up there who deals and knows everything in store for me in the future, may she come and maybe complete the other half of my dreams. you know, since i see everything in single, maybe it won't be so bad if it's in double.

g

2011-09-25T05:22:00.001+07:00

no matter how hard i've had it so far here in this big city called jakarta, i always cling on the fact that someday i'm gonna be able to tell my kids(adopted or biological, that another issue next time) how i survived six years abroad, though is quite near to malaysia, but totally have different set of life, set of mind, setting and backdrop, totally different.

what friends gonna say is jakarta is just over the sea. as malaysians tend to measure success in miles or kilometres, the farther you go the more successful you are. the fact remains that and i have no intention to correct it. i'm not out here to preach to the choir, i'm just a guy trying to figure everything else. i don't really care if you go ireland or even south pole to do your study, one fact remains is that i will be a doctor.

i am sorry if i take a little pleasure in bragging that my job is more superior than yours in any aspect. except payment. maybe the long hours and longer years we had in school don't really being compensated by the medium salary....but i'm 22 and i already thought that money isn't what drive me to push forward.

okay it's a factor but hardly a reason. and i am proud to say that i'm doing this just for me in the first place. sure it's hard and i complain a lot, but really i am doing what i think i should be doing. i've had hundred occasions, mainly during the shower, rethinking the decision i made taking this road not taken. i'd probably be happy doing engineering, or biotechnology, or some science related, but i don't, couldn't, and won't see me in any of those position. long hours in laboratory, peeping through microscope, dealing with algebra, maths and between all that, i couldn't see it.

however, i have always wanted to take art.any kind of art. films, documentary, writing, journalism, fashion...things like that. but then i thought...those thing hardly pay, and would i be able to just erase the whole childhood dream stuff of being a doctor?

so, whenever friend asking, or saying "hey look at him in the US, australia, ireland, UK, having it all with all their money and all"...honestly, i hardly envy. sure, it's great, and all...but i wouldn't trade places with them in an instance, i probably wait for several years. for a reason i am not willing to share, it's safe to say that god is great, and he has a plan laid for me. maybe if i pray harder, and hard enough, he let me live throughout the plan.

and for the time being, let the friends say what they want to say, i'll just humour them with answer like this one; "this place builds character." and that's the truth.

what concerned me, really, is that would i be able to have the best of both world? my personal agenda and my ambition? would they, in the field, would walk hand in hand. i wanna be the kind of doctor that treat patients, help poor and the stricken, maybe the african countries, or those in borneo or timur timor, or be the field doctor in war-ridden countries, basically i just want to do something in this not so pretty world. i also have the personal need to travel, to go around the world. maybe it have to do with the childhood deficiency i had in which we were too dirt poor to even go on vacation. really, we hadn't go anywhere, at all, when i was a kid. that's nothing, i'm fine. my concern is, would these two, and money, and time, and age, would be fulfilled?

anyway, the next monday marking a little occasion where i'm moving a step up in the running of my years here in indonesia, the journey to be that man in white coat. i'm getting into 4th year, and that's mean next year, god's willing, i will be doing clinicals in hospitals....which should be fun because lots of things happen in the hospital, if the viewing episodes of grey's anatomy and house are correct. here's to a future, bleak or bright, here i come! :)

g

2011-09-21T16:23:00.002+07:00

there's a cloud of happiness surrounds me after the exam's over, and i passed. but, no one really care but me, and it's okay. i like it that way. i don't have anything or anyone to prove and the pressure all come down to me. i gladly say that i did it all for me.

nevertheless, i'm glad that me and my friends have made it. they care, a little, i guess. and i'm happy the fact that i didn't sacrifice my holidays just for the damn exam. that is a proof that you could have the best of both world.

i have some friends came over jakarta the weekend before the exam. and i did what i think a friend should, i entertain them, at the risk of my exam of course. but i'm glad i did. given one more time, i would do the same. sometimes there's an ecstacy in helping other people out, especially if you do it sincerely. i'm not bragging, i'm serious. i love helping people, even sometimes what they asked was hard but i do it anyway. most times, what you see of me is what you get. when i say it's okay i can do it, i meant it really, i do it.

but i'm no angel. i found myself in some uncomfortable situations sometimes.

what i'm trying to say is that when you do everything all by yourself, because you wanted it, everything would be easier. and be kind to people. and hate assholes and bitches, but those haven't proving their hidden bitchiness trait yet, be kind. B-E kind.

g

2011-09-17T02:12:00.001+07:00

sorry hazrey but i am sick and tired of your tirade against medical field. before you say it ain't so, please bear in mind that yes, you did, you did spew something that hasn't clearly explained nor with proper investigation in your blog. in the mind of people, medical field is doctors. no they do not know that there's medical assistant that sometimes make terrible mistakes, but to you and i, they're all white coat and sthethoscope wielding nerd, they're doctors!

it seems to me that you operate your blog just like any media people would operate their papers, tvs or whatever, you post controversial topics, use improper languange, and then say that "it isn't time for a proper language". and the latest, with the disclaimer?as if a disclaimer would diminish the fire you have started...in my heart. what? i don't know.

i'm 22 and i can utilize polite manner and language to say things i want to say, why, sometimes, can't you? am i butthurt? yes, i do. i'm one guy clearly on the edge with school and everything. and your entry hurts me. it's about me now, i'm selfish like that.

but i understand it is your space, and it is your right, so i don't think there's a need for me to say anything in the comment section. would it change anything, and because i don't have anything good to counter you with, maybe you're right, maybe you're a bit right or a whole lot right, i don't really care. so that's why i'm writing on my own space, in my own bandwidth. you can say or rage or be disappointed, it's your voice it's your space. also, clearly i'm not a good writer. i'm not a word-smith.

back in 2009 i think, i happened to watch an episode of 999 on tv3, the case was against a hospital. so a guy, pretended to have an acute asthma attack, went to the emergency dept to receive nebulization. but, the actor talked normal, with no sign of serious illness (but he did had his hand on his chest...good acting). like this episode of 999, it's a bit unfair to me.

maybe i should colour and use larger font in some of my points but i think thats internet-ejaculating.

may i ask something, have you thanked your doctor?

don't mind to answer. i don't really care. in fact, i got bored and i don't know what to write anymore and why the hell i'm started in the first place. as a fellow human, i wish the best for you and your family. nothing breaks the heart like when one of your family got serious illnes. i understand that.

p/s if you found this, please don't link it back in your blog. i'm a coward, i have no other reason other than that. you seem like a wise, rational guy with connections everywhere, i'm no one. so it's pretty rational that i'm a bit scared.

g

2011-09-12T03:12:00.002+07:00

i believe in the deepest heart of every man, lies kindness. each and every one of us are sympathethic to others' suffering. god created as in a way that we would response to pledge of help. we are bonded by phylum, by species, by blood and all of the cells in our body to each other. we can put ourselves in the shoes of another person.

that's what i believe. but the world taught me that it is not true. that out there is darkness, out there is your destruction. i was told to keep all 6 senses intact when you walk. there's no good samaritan. the only samaritan you have just want a good hit at your wallet.

prove them wrong, please.

g

2011-08-20T08:51:00.000+07:00

selamat hari raya, maaf zahir batin. :)

g

2011-08-17T01:28:00.000+07:00

there's a saying in malay, "tempat jatuh lagikan dikenang, apatah lagi tempat bermain". and this place has been both for me.

jakarta is not pretty. it's an old city, unlike kl. jakarta have endured 500 years and have seen everything it could have seen. it witnessed many great events. it's old, and cranky and tired, the huddled mass lives in jakarta, not manhattan. the streets of this city are riddled with riddles, and secrets it saved for years. jakarta can't afford to be kind anymore. she's too worn and torn to be kind.

but, we all love this city. the jakartans, and such have this strange relationship with the city. me included. i don't know if it's the stockholm syndrome acting out, or simple the defense mechanism of the mind to simply accept the sudden change of demographic i had in malaysia. but nevertheless, shuttling between two cities and amidst all of that reasons, i called this place home. like family, you can't choose. like jakarta, really, just another card dealt in the game of faith, and i have to conquer this one.

i can moan and groan for hours about all the ridiculous thing in this place, but i still want to best for her.

and indonesia as a country, is a blessed land.

and now i'm tired. night.

g

2011-08-09T03:20:00.001+07:00

girls are complicated. and no, i have to explain that this has nothing to do with romance or anything, i say it in the most general form. girls, are fucking complicated, and twisted, sometimes vile, most of the time cannot be trusted.

you try to reason with a girl? shit son, good luck.

most of the time, when i encountered with certain nutcases, all i wish for is to have a good firm slap on that face. tough love is the in thing now. you can't reason very well with me, slap. why are you telling me what to do? slap. SLAP!

respect for feminism? fuck that. if i can punch a guy in the nut for being a tool, i can slap a woman all i want if she's being a mental case. that's equality...right?

g

2011-08-06T03:54:00.001+07:00

in the chill, quiet air of dawn we wake up, to fill ourselves with some of what our tongues can work with, what with the stale taste of after-sleep and dried lips.

you supposed internet can make a person smarter, you know with the access of information only short of a google search, and a little light reading. supposedly the influx of information to the mainstream should make people realise, or think about the current condition...or at the cost of don't want to run political, i will anounce it as a general statement, everything. my point is, people should be smarter.

but, just see for yourself the amount of blogs we have on the net. blog, for one thing gives the owner a self-entitlement of importance. it used to be celebrities talking on the magazine about the most trivial, non-importance shits. now, everyone is doing the same! exactly who cares what you eat at lunch and who you eat with. also. why is exactly your blog is full of the same article i can get from news and entertainment sites. and we have tumblr! a collection of stuffs we do not own, random hipsterish thing of whythefuckicare.

also, what importance do these people have to declare that everyone should be with them in everything, stand by their opinion. granted, i may be guilty for doing the same for some time but then i learnt to simply accept that others might have different opinion than me. and it's the same right for both of us to criticize one another, no harm done. clearance, that's all i'm asking. i have opinions because i have formed mine from reading, current situations and some circumstantial evidences. when i asked them to fucking provide me and explain to me why they think this and that, they run and resorted to the last dirty tactic; sarcasm, RELIGION, and other common fuckeries by stupid fucktards. fuck it.

fuck those ass-lickers.

fuck these people.

g

2011-07-03T04:58:00.001+07:00

i was scared shitless when i found out i was about to receive another six months addition to my supposedly six years course i have now. with the impending effect from the ineffective management of the university that would leave us at least 5 year 9 months instead of 5 and a half as promised, god knows when would i able to finish my study. i was for a little while depressed and my self-esteem went down few notches, with the already dooming moral i have and my string of c's under my belt.

i put on a brave face, but i actually a fragile bubble inside. and there's no one to blame but me. my own stupidity. it's easy to blame others, and at times you might as well do it to spare you the burden of the guilt but this time i have no one to blame but put it on my own damn stupid face.

but i'm glad that phase was over. i'm so glad. not that i don't have to extend, that's still a big hanging question mark looming over campus, but now i can do something about it. i just have to have a sail smooth over the rough sea, oh yes it is rough, for the next two months.

anyway, i thought i need a break. i was so ready for the six month, i had a plan mapped in my head. get license, work, travel up to Bangkok, come back to Jakarta, travel down to Lombok and Sumbawa. it was perfect.

with the years fly by and i matured, i started to embrace the consequences of my decisions; taking this road, and the reality of my own self. i might not be harry potter, neo or luke skywalker who destined to be a great warrior and become one in only a short montage. maybe in those movies i would be the extra who would die at 3minute mark. i might not be special, i might not even unique. but i am me, a barrel of imperfections and mistakes, that i haven't had the time to regret, yet.

i might not even be happy, but i'm living, i have my family, i have my friends, i'm on my way to a promising career. maybe the idea of happiness isn't a montage of laugh in the summer, or a walk in the beaches like we see in the movie. maybe this is what happiness feels like, or at least what life feels like.

i might not get the best things in life, this may not be the yellow brick road to my emerald city, heck, it may not even be emerald city. just some dull concrete city. point is, i might not get the best things in life but as far as i concern, that is none of my business. it's the invisible hand from upstairs. i am not a religious person and that sound almost cliche, paged out of any goody two shoes facebook status, but it is a fact of life. there is a mighty power spends 24 hours on your wheels.

one fact holding me erected when i go limp especially when the bad day comes (puns intended), is that i'm writing my own story. i make my own decisions and god dammit i have to live it as it should be. i have been so long on my own (foreveralone) that i have mastered the art of be patience because they will be no one to tell you, or don't cry because no one would wipe your tears, cheer up and keep walking, don't wait for anyone to tell you to, to hold you by the arms and drag you, no, i have dragged myself all these years. that may sound pathetic but it's a fact i am proud of. i'm writing my own legend, and i am my own people. :)

g

2011-05-13T01:45:00.000+07:00

i want to be someplace else, right now. i want to be in the economy class train to medan, or to banyuwangi. i want to be in a dodgy or expensive bus; i don't really care which one but my wallet do, to some island, or mountains or forest. i don't wanna be stuck in the same room for months, waiting life to happened, swarmed myself with the wonderful virtual images from around the world or close to my home and wanting to go there but don't, when the world is happening, out there right now!

i wish for a late night self reflection session with my feet dipped into the sand, laying on the beach with the soft sand caressing my back, counting the stars and gaze into space, into myself. i want to hear the sound of waves crashing softly, the sound of wind bringing the news from a world across, telling its story. i want to be on a bed in some cheap hotel, ready to go to sleep...with a tired body and huddled mass, but so happy for the adventure i've had during the day, and close my eyes with a smile hoping another great adventure tomorrow morning.

i want to see the faces of travelers from around the world, gathered in a place some people believe sacred, some poeple just appreciate it just because it's magical and beautiful. where each and every one of them has the same reason, to escape.

i want to be someplace else, anywhere pretty but my room.

g

2011-04-14T23:05:00.000+07:00

sometimes, we forgot how strong we are. mankind is an incredible, magnificent race. we are from million years of evolution and revolution, we are consisted of the perfect combination of brute strength and wisdom. we've seem how we conquered the world, displaced other species and races in the process, just because we can. as a species, we're pretty much up there. we have system, viable, understandable system, unlike any other known creature. of course we've seen stupidity prevails in lines oh human heritage, but at the end of the day, we hold on one principle in which we silently agreed upon; the fittest will survive, the weakest will get behind and left to fend for themselves. and as social animals, we need each other to grow and expand, in most magical way.

and in the face of hardship and desperation, most of us came out survived and triumphant. the fittest ones. a housewife in her 40's, lift a 3000 pound car when the vehicle collapsed on her son while repairing it. aron ralston of the famous climber in 127 hours cut his own hand using blunt objects to escape from a boulder that fell on him. we heard these kind of stories over and over again, being broadcasted in many different medias. but, are we really?

to be honest, i have never really been tested. some famous overwritten quote I've seen in seen in so many articles is a virtue never tested is no virtue at all. i agreed, because we never know something until it come along, including ourselves. you don't know how would you do when you breaking up with a beloved person, or things, or animals. or when facing with a tough choice which require your full selves. but then again, each of us have our own limit. it might be mine is more than somebody else. i might prevail and all intact in stressful and breaking situation, you might not. you maybe could run for miles in the face of danger, but i certainly would give up and let whatever thing chases us devour me, or surprisingly i'd turned into a green-eyed monster and push you sideways for me to be able to run myself. we don't really know.

i'm just saying, that there is a lot of things happened to me. things i don't expect, less ready to accept. things i've realized that before this i've been disillusioned by some veil, i can't see. i see karma rolling its wheel, i see qada' and qadar in the picture putting the pieces to my fate and i see myself in the middle of this chaotic organization.

i'm just here to rationalize. i don't mean to wallow in misery, the "oh my life's hard","my sufferings art greater than thee, thou art miniscule". it's just that, i see road ahead of me and i see them so far and bleak. i can't see anything possible. like in a mario world, an evil tortoise come out of nowhere and i can step on it for it to go away. okay maybe it is wrong to based my whole life on a level of some stupid game and crazy italian plumber.

maybe, i suffered from watching too much movies and listening to too much mellow songs. tom hansen of 500 days of summer suffered the same thing. i've been watching all kind of movies since i was six years old. all kind of genre, languages, period and colour. unlike some of my peers, i value movies and good songs in the core. i broke tear in so many movies, some didn't really make sense. i cried to songs before, many many times. maybe my core is too soft. i expect too much, and if there is one thing we all would love to believe in is one happy ending. less than that is a build up, a climax, a crisis and a resolution, which would make a very good movie. we believe in happy ending. we believe in the soundtrack of our lives, we are taught to felt this way when certain thing happened. we had our songs for every situations, even the awkward one. we believe, like a movie plot, happiness is one click away, one tower away, one block of apartment away, one prison cell away. we believe that there is somewhere right now, is working to get our stories right, back in pace.

which is why i hate when the protagonist dies. because, in that millisecond of shock and surprise, i realized...the reality is much, much worse...and i'm living in it.

g

2011-03-21T23:17:00.001+07:00

So I hope they all rot in hell.

G

2011-02-10T21:04:00.000+07:00

i'm just so unhappy. i am surprised at how i handle all these things. i don't say i handled it pretty well so far, but i handle them and got them in my hand nonetheless. so it is true that you won't be tested with something beyond your ability. and that mankind is a strong creature, that's how we survived plagues and climate changes and alien invaders.

sometimes, i do hope there is a parallel universe where i can be whatever or whoever i wanna be. where i choose what i want without any obligations or the notion that i supposed to. where i'm some kinda lean, tall, cool kid who everyone wants to be with and to become.

to that guy, live well my king. you enjoy, i will hold as long as i can. :)

2011-01-30T07:26:00.000+07:00

i don't follow the trend of keeping it short. i love mine elaborated, in neat details and all, even the most simplistic has details in the colour, design and feeling.

but here's come the catch, i'm not a particular person...i can oversee what i have in front of my eyes, literally and figuratively. maybe the habit of taking a step backward and see the whole big picture, or portrait because i like portrait more, is finally backfired. when you taking one step backward one too many times, you lost it, and you kind of see the whole thing as, well, good.

but, it's depressing to go into details. really, it is. try for yourself if you don't believe me. you see, everything you've done so far in your life, leaves traces. on people, on things, on time. they do and they will haunt you one day when you least expecting them to. they're like the ghosts in a haunted house, you know they'll come but you still helluva in a shock when they came.

some day i'll learn that it is true that some people aren't destined to be great, they're not destined to be in textbooks or forbes' 10 most aspiring figures, or UsWeekly 10 hottest in bikini. but everyone leaves traces of their deeds on people, on things and times. and these traces affected people, for some, greatly. and maybe with that optimistic naive thinking, everyone can be great.

including me.

g

2011-01-18T13:10:00.002+07:00

2011-01-17T03:25:00.000+07:00

as i'm stepping into adulthood, i.e 22 years of glorious breathing, walking, surviving, i like to think myself as more matured and more adult than before. say, it's been a long time since someone asked me how old i am. huh, that has to be weird, saying i'm 22...it's like i'm so old. omaigosh i'm so old. god it's so ridiculous! how time flies so fast. i mean i barely cleaned off the stains of highschool and now i'm in my third/fourth year of college? wow this is depressing, urrrghhh!

okay, that phase out. see kids, i'm....22, and i like to see myself and considered myself of serious and experienced. so, there is a great tips on how to lead and keep a happy life i want to share with you. well, i mean if you are one aspiring person and you see people around you and you think, hey, why these people are happy? i mean we are each day every morning get up of the bed and putting and risking our lives on a thread just to ended up being disappointed? if you have that kind of experience, welcome to a whole life of disappointment and depression.

as you may know, life isn't peachy and fruity as you had imagined back in school. it's tough, hard and unfair. it's much like the dining hall lady who refused to give you extra wings...except in the end you get a wing but in life you'll get nothing. yes, maybe once in a while you get lucky and something exciting happening to you, but count your blessing kids..because it's not gonna be long.

so kids, here's the tips. don't look at pictures of happy times e.g vacations, dinners, having crazy times etc when things go flat. it will just make you sad. make you wonder where the time goes.

okay that's all for now. i have to read these articles on tunisian revolution because i have a great feeling that it will sooner dawn on us the youth that maybe the same thing could happen to our country. i sure do cross my fingers...the current government is too arrogant and above the cloud to heard us humans.

2011-01-14T00:33:00.001+07:00

the truth.

g

2011-01-09T03:11:00.000+07:00

it seems like everyone is either getting married, got engaged, planned to...or at least dream of being in one. well, at least most of the people that i know of, in my close proximity and some acquaintances. that's weird, but it's 2011 and i'm supposedly be, like, 22...so i don't know. maybe it's normal for people my age to start thinking or questioning about those things. my god, who knows what normal people do.

unlike me, haven't had anyone special so far. that's 22 years of being alone and miserable. lol no jk. i am not miserable.

but yeah, lacking of human contact might be just right.

i don't know but this problem might be rooted early in my childhood. you see, as a little kid, the youngest in my family, i always had some issues with being hugged, or kissed on the forehead, or that papa-loves-you stuff and all. i was very firm with my space. that kind of stuffs just make me uncomfortable. whenever my dad told me to sit on his lap - that was when i could do that, now it's just ridiculous - i was always making it quick. like i was doing my dad a favour. the innocence and foolishness of a kid.

grow up, that my-space-my-territory behaviour never seems to go away. no, it's not like i wasn't approachable, i am, i'm very am...but just please don't touch me. in the arm, in the stomach. oh and how i hate it so much when people put their hands on my shoulder.

oh, silly me. i think this is redundant. i'm bitter and so far out of life, sue me!

i have made a decision...like 5 minutes ago. in 2011, i will be striving more for my academic. i realize that i have gone nowhere from that 17-year old schoolboy, in term of academics. also, in 2011, i hope to see more things, go more places and just soak up the place into my veins and flesh and nerves.

maybe, between chasing my dream and achieving my ambition, i would finally find myself and the contentment that i've seem lacking. :)

g

2011-01-03T02:27:00.003+07:00

i need a little shake up, now. i need a little bump in the road, right now. my life, is a straight line of emotion, feeling, and situation. and endless plateau of eternity, and yes it was pretty redundant putting endless and eternity in the same sentence, but that just to show how boring and purposeless my life is, right now.

i don't know why. it's not like i had it easy so far, or may i say because we are still anew into 2011, in 2010. i mean, 2010 was a pretty rough year...no, pretty colourful world. that's the word. colourful. all sorts of literal and metaphorical colours. in 2010, i crossed bali on my indonesia's travel destination's bucket list. along with bali was lombok, gili island, pulau seribu. also jogjakarta, bandung, bogor. in 2010 i had a two-week experience of the real backpacking. in 2010, people were good, and people were bad; or in other word, people are people. in 2010, all sorts of hell let loose, and stress piling up in times, a little bumps, a little excitement, a little sadness. a small portion of everything.

2010 entered with a pretty good start and ended in the most boring way. 2010 was like a tv series, started very good in the beginning of the season, and bow out somber and dull. many plot holes, redundant plotline, lame catchphrases and all. as of my life, 2010 ended somber and dull. scarred by many losing battles. olden by the world's tyranny. old and tired.

2011 kicks off. that sentence died there. it kicked off the way it supposed to. nothing special, nothing to celebrate. it wasn't the end of anything and it wasn't the start of something. it's not like i entered 2011 with a clean slate of everything! i came in with a big pile of yesterdays, so why am i supposed to be celebrating?

along the years advancing adulthood, there is always one thing that is constant in my life. and i can always depend on this one particular person to not let me down, even when i felt at the lowest point of my life. my faith...in myself. i believe that my body and soul is divided into several companies of each own purposes. i am my biggest enemy, i am my closest friend.

foreveralone.jpeg

in 2011, i hope for great things, for our earth. i hope God and mother nature could and would be a bit soft on us humble and ungrateful humans. i hope earth sees light upon the disasters happening on her, and that humans could be a little bit, if not more, caring of her. as for myself, i hope 2011 could at least be kind to me. 2010 was okay. and i actually am scared to ask for more, i know i'm not deserving, but i want a new turn in my life. i want out of this cocoon. i want something that is truly my passion. and God, please gather me enough courage to do so. Please, Please, Please.
Please.
   Please.
   Please.

   Please....

g

2010-12-10T01:45:00.002+07:00

dear blog,

thank you for being here. this white wall of yours is the beacon of light in the darkest time of my life. you repeatedly save my life from nihilistic thoughts and feeling helpless. you are a great therapy. if you were a picture, it would be 80% black, 10% person red and another 10% of of grey. it isn't the best looking colour ever but it is my colour and thank you for sticking with me all these while. you are the one i turn to when i feel alone and useless.

this time no less.

is it because i'm asking too much of my life and from the people around me? why is it that these people keep letting me down? and the worst part is that, they do it unknowingly. this life is a rollercoaster and i don't think i can hold on to the ride anymore. it's getting nauseating, confusing and i want a steady flat track instead of uphill-downhill-side slope track.

perhaps, all these because i keep expecting great things from me, although through exterior expression i show no signs. deep down in my heart there's a little 17year-old high school graduate that keeps hoping for great things to come.

i envy people. they have the slightest good thing a day and it makes them happy. why is it that i feel so greatly burden by this world, not only my world but also others. i feel sad for friends, i feel heavy with everything that is happening in this world, and they make me feel helpless.

would i become a great person, as great as the people i admired and read about in books? could i? or simply, would i finally become the person i expect myself to be?

why can't i wanted normal things like other people. you know, a well-paid job, a wife, a family and a good home. why i have to want so many things that i can't achieve unlike other people, why is it i care too much about everything?

why little things can hurt me?

why am i feeling like this?

this is a picture and it's a picture of depression, desperation and despair.

dear God,

this is a plea, and please, please, help me.

2010-12-02T02:07:00.002+07:00

2010-11-26T03:14:00.003+07:00

there are certain people in the world that just don't care. they're called ignorants. while it is, yes, ignorance is a bliss, it is also a fucking annoyance to some people, like me. ignorants, as their name suggests, build a fortress around their life with ignorance and fuck-i-don't-fucking-care, and the fortress keeps them safe and sound in their own perfect little world, but still give them a sense of comfortability to laugh at other people who care and to say "what a pathetic fool they are".

you cannot go to someone and say "why you gotta sweating on all these, be cool man". no, you can't when you don't know a thing. i guess that is how people are, some with the burden of the world on their back, some without even a single chip on their shoulders. and it is up to the one who cares, to take care of the ignoranti, because at the end of the day, the ignorants would never understand the reasons why you care so much...and also you cannot understand the complexity, or the simplicity for that matter, the mind of ignorant. seriously, they just don't care about you, about the world. and yes, i should cool down and stop being a bitch.

a few things i'm grateful for this week, and one of them is being myself. i know i'm not golden, i'm aluminium at best, but to be frank, that is the only thing i can be grateful for this week. it hadn't been a good week, or a good month, or a good year, but i survive. i am grateful for being me, and for able to accept myself the way i am, though i could do with some drastic weight loss.

there are days when things go as usual, as ordinary as any other day, but there's something not right and i can't put my fingers on it, and it ticked me off. the day is ruined thoroughly, until someone on the street says "hi" to you. and you smile, taking the burden off little by little. and then another person called your name out of the blue, asking how your day goes and some small unimportant talk, before he walked away waving you goodbye with the friendliest smile. the guy from your favourite diner says "where to, mon?" you smile and answer him politely, see him laugh and you cannot understand why he laughed, but it's okay because it isn't derogatory laugh but a friendly laugh. and then you look up to the sky, and see the calm blueness of the god's playground, the sun shines brightly, and you know it's a beautiful day, everything's gonna be okay.

so, i am grateful for being me. that's the only thing that walk me through the week. the world is an ugly, hostile place but it also gives you an equal opportunity to see its beautiful, friendly side; only if you want to see it. i know i'm not much of a positive person, but i absorb the positiveness of people around me, and these few days i felt like being abandoned a little by my friends; as always duty call and busy schedules to be blamed, but the street, the wind, the sun and sky have all sort of positive energy and they won't abandon you even in their worst days. that, somehow make me believe that it's a wonderful world, after all. and all those manic, major depressive disorders that i learned and the symptoms which i recognize very dearly, all subside to oblivion, thanks for letting me having these days.

that i don't need right now is person who wants to argue without wanting to compromise. they suck, they really do. :)

.

yours truly because a feel good writing lifts up dull, depressing days
gman

2010-11-14T03:53:00.000+07:00

what is it about chubby people that make them lovable and hated at the same time? this is a scientific fact, i fished it out of hours of hours watching documentaries on natgeo. there were two pictures of a typical fat guy and a typical fat girl shown to couple hundreds correspondents and the results were that the most adjectives used to describe the guy was lovable, easy to be with, funny etc. meanwhile, the girl got it pretty rough with lazy, fat-ass, disgusting, boner destroyer and the last one i totally made it up.

well, as a chubby dude myself, i have to say it would have to be the combination of several factors. guys, when they are fat BUT still aren't morbidly fat, tend to compensate what they are lacking in hot physique with a sense of humour. meanwhile girls, they think they fat even when they are not. that alone shows how distorted their views into live and how deeply rooted they problem is, and it doesn't have to be illuminati-generated, freemason-scandals' sham, but the capitalism which generally operated with a simple formula of girls are main consumers, and they are dependent to men eventhough they made you believe the feminist revolution somehow changes the role-play, and that if the victoria's secret's billboard says that's what men want, dammit, that's what we want!

the truth is, far less simple but not as simple as it sound. men are as shallow as girls.

and that's that.

so, the limelight back to where it belongs; me. excuse me while i'm feeling grandeur for a brief moment out of my depressing miserable life, but i can pretty say that i am pretty lovable. am i right?

i have this pathological narcissistic disorder where i have a strong feeling that i'm pretty convenient and nice to be around people. hey, the laundry shop knows my name, the delivery guy knows my name and where i live, and people always remember my face, though same cannot be said about my ability to recognize faces and remembering names. i think the explanation to that has to be that maybe i'm a bit exotic, or extraordinarily ordinary, or that i'm delusional. either way, i'm memorable.

and with the perception of me being lovable(please, say no objections on this matter, just for a while), it somehow gives people a notion that i have no feeling, or not able to feel hurt or offended.

truth is, i am. i hurt, easily.

:(

g

2010-11-11T01:32:00.001+07:00

these past few days, i've been so immersed in paulo coelho's the alchemist, and it was a very good book. it somehow brings a little ray of hope that my life isn't so useless after all and there might be somewhere in the world that is waiting for me to find them, though it also brings me back to the times when i should have listen to my heart instead of weighing the options. truly, the heart knows best, but it also takes a wholesome of courage to be able to listen to it. nevertheless, i really loved the book. it certainly not a tear-jerker like mitch albom's, but erm, it's good.

the recurring theme in facebook these days is marriage, relationships and that stuffs. and facebook has started to become eerily similar to my real life, like life has been detached off of me and that there is no difference between them. the reason i'm saying this is because, like facebook, relationships and marriages and partners revolve around me in the form of wedded friends, breaking and rekindling, fighting, the romance, the sufferings, the stupid decisions and long hours of rationalizing with a human to no avail. yes, people are that stupid when they're in a relationship, and i can't stressed this enough.

lately, a friend decided to end his life and married to his girlfriend. and usually, these young marriages are done in the fashion of eloping, when in fact the marriage is blessed and uneventful. but why these young couples, marrying or engaging, are likely to keep the biggest day of their life shush than to post it on facebook in a big and loud way, like people usually do. the fact is that, men lives to reproduce. that is the animal instinct that keep us survive throughout meteors and plagues. but men sanctioned it by practicing marriage as a form of differentiation from animal. so is it because you people nowadays are too horny and then decide to settle down, let's get married, and have a lotsa sex, but we covered it with reasons as fake as a press-on nails like this is god's will, this is to avoid slanders?

the way the malays done nowadays is the quicker the better. i can't help but everytime i see young married couples, i see two lives shattered to smithereens, their hopes and dreams, their future, their whole life. excuse me my skewed sight into life but frankly, that is all i can see. in facebook, there an ocean of notes of happy stories of marriages at young age, the "hikmah" behind god-destined soulmates, the cheers from peers like get married and be happy! i frowned and frowned from one note to another but i see plenty of them my facial muscles literally suffered muscle fatigue. i mean, come on, don't you have dreams to achieve, other than marrying a guy and produces a bundle of joyful babies, like to go around the whole? or winning a single marathon cross country? or produce a thesis paper so thick you have to slave yourselves around books and internet to finish it? like seriously?!

don't get me started on the unhappiness you might face in the later days, like, a year into your marriage when the sparkle has gone. i will go to there but i want to stress more on the fact that you owe it to the children you are about to have to become at least be stable, emotionally and financially. malays, are producing baby like it's a race and a sin not to have one right after married. and then the babies go on and become the scums of the society, yes, believe me that's always how the story goes. we are so low in planning babies, instead we the Neanderthal creatures that we were without further ado churning out kids and say that children are god's blessing. where is the blessing when you have no money, long working hours and unstable marriage basis to stand on and then have a kid. you owe it to the kid a loving childhood! and that kind of stuff is scarred people till they have grown up.

maybe, because the idea of having someone by your side, literally all the time, is foreign to me, i can't see the bright side of it. commitment is a big thing and it's not something a 21-year old capable of, that i know for sure.

or maybe i have dreams i'm not willing to let go because dreams keep me alive, not being in a relationship or having a partner.

g

2010-10-29T01:33:00.000+07:00

"In the beginning, God created heaven and earth and he was satisfied with what he has accomplished. He then continued to venture even more and he said to himself, that all these skies and rivers and open fields are beautiful but they were lacking the motion. So, he went on and created birds of the air and beasts of the field, swimmers of all sizes and shapes to fill the earth, roam freely amidst its powerful display of masterpiece. He saw upon them all that were in the earth and he saw that it was good. And then god created man, and the rest is written among folds of mountains and rivers and oceans and skies as they witnessed what men did to the world.

In a way, men were exotic to the world, before it is now after five billion years, when the table turned around and men have been finding for the exotic all our lives. We may be haven't been kind to the earth but some of us did the very best to value what's been given to us."

well, that what i was going for before it appeared to me that it was stupid. the title was exotic travelling. this is a tangent universe where my essay and the title in a parallel line where they never meet. urghhh

2010-10-19T00:45:00.000+07:00

remember the paranoia that was two entries before. the big headache and the scary self-diagnose diseases. yeah, it's pretty laughable now, but not quite because it is pretty serious, only not as serious as i thought it would be.

but for a second there, i was perplexed and i was made to believe that it was that serious; the symptoms, the onset, they all matched the clinical criterias. and we can't really blame me because i did learn all these stuffs, and actually there's a name for it, oh! found it; the mighty google. the easily named medical student's disease, is when med students perceive themselves as having the scary, fatal diseases that they are studying.

irregardless, it was a scary experience. the thought that your life could end in a stroke of a pen. a written diagnosis that define your entire future. and recently, there's story of one's life ended with a carcinoma cancer. and i don't think i can be strong to have such burden piled on me. i might hide behind my jokes, and laughter, but i need to be cheerful so i won't lose myself.

for a second, the thought that this all could end was all that i could think of. and i thought of all things i've done, all the things i've seen and all the people i know. surprisingly, i can say that i am halfway there. i've laughed, i've cried, i've seen someone cried, i've made someone laugh, i've been scared and for a brief moment i became brave to embrace all the possibilities the world could offer.

and the realization came that many moments in my life, i didn't realize that i was happy. those moments that i let go of my happiness just so that i can feel the pain, the one thing i tried not to feel. i let the dark got the best of me. all the time i was down, i should realize that i have my friends, and i should be happy about it.

and with the recent close encounter to a self-imagined grim reaper, i realize this. and i should appreciate life more now. i will put down several kilos off of my body and do more exercise. so if you know me, you guys should encourage me to do so.

also, prognosis is a grim thing. it's not something they the doctors should hold responsible of.

g

2010-10-18T02:37:00.004+07:00

these past few days, i spent most of my days in front of the television. although the channels left so much room for improvement and can be a little bit more desirable, i can't be choosy, because beggars can't be choosy. and i am practically a beggar right now. the hours of hunger can be, if not forgotten, maybe blurred in the realm of the memory that i am actually hungry and need to eat, except that i have no money to pay for it. nevertheless, with some friends sharing the same pain, i think it will be okay. really, misery loves company.

i managed to catch some documentary about taj mahal on the natgeo channel. and it was awesome. i fell in awe with the story of how madly in love shah jahan was with his beloved wife. granted, he has a harem full of wives, and granted, mumtaz mahal died after delivering her 14th child with the king; that's 14 too many - but shah jahan loved his wife the most. and he was a muslim, and there is some concern with some religious extremist to bombard the whole beautiful magical mausoleum to smithereens.

come one, why do religion always has to interfere with everything?

borobudur, the majestic ancient temple of the majapahit destiny, built in devotion to the buddhist god, had a history of being bombed in 1985. 9 stupas were destroyed and the culprit was a muslim preacher. the bamyan buddha, were two monumental statues of standing buddha carved at the wall of the mountain in the hazarajat valley in afghanistan were not so lucky as they got totally destroyed when the taliban took over the country in 2001.

i don't say that religion is the one at fault in these few events. but the people behind them were using religions as their reasoning in doing so. now, what is it that we muslims always feel threatened and insecure all the time? for example, a friend once told me about a nun, a sister, that openly preached her religion. she was sent out by the church to tell the news of her religion, like pendakwah, or mubaligh, and she almost got beaten because of it, by a bunch of muslims youth.

okay, i don't wanna to go to the deep end here, i'm not a religious man, you guys should know that from the get-go. but i see these intolerance from the people that shared the same belief as i am, and i can't stand idle and silent but to do something or at least speak up what's in my mind. i can't help it but feel insulted, and ashamed of my own people.

some people maybe see their god in quranic verses, in the vast catastrophe as a mean of power display of our god, or some people have faith in the divine intervention of god in the matter of heart and mind. i see god in the blueness of the ocean, the vast water of sea and the diversity of people of difference colours, religions, languages and mind. i see god when at night i lay down on the beach and witness the open sky, see the millions of stars scattered across the endless space, and senses how small we are and realize that god is in every particle, in every mol of air i breathe. i see god in sunsets, sun beneath a mountain, swallowed by the horizon. i see god in the relationship built of strangers meet upon a train, in the beach, in a restaurant, sharing the same wonderful world that is this heavenly earth.

all that i see in my journey or in a vacation.

and when i came back to the reality of the world that i'm living right now, i see none of it. and i sincerely don't see my god in the demonstration rallies by the kopiah wearing, serban donning masters in the parliament building, i don't see my god in each said illuminati and freemason sign and their major plan to conquer the world, i don't see god in hating the jews, blaming the christians, and oppressing the buddhists. i don't see god in the intolerance that the people of my religion been preaching all this while. and i certainly don't see god in someone who claimed to be man of god, but do a handful of things He said not to do. and i certainly, absolutely don't see my god or see any reason why to kill another human being in the name of religion. islamic extremists are real, they killed many innocent people, they don't fight for my religion. bombs, guns, man-slaughtering isn't in my religion. they don't say anything about my religion and it is sad to see that the pests still got supporters blinded by his agenda to fight in the name of religion.

again, the basis of my question is, who are we actually to tell and claim one is right and another is wrong?

p/s the numbered entries looked pretentious and fake. so i resort to the old untitled post.

g

2010-10-17T14:29:00.000+07:00

i am having the biggest most massive headache i've ever had.

it started two days ago. after i was just getting better from my cold.

no photo-phobic, the pain stings when i cough, sneeze, bend over or laugh. this could only mean one thing; that my intracranial pressure is increasing; as far as i know. the pain majorly resided at the occipital lobe and half of the parietal, sometimes range from the middle to occipital, but it never goes right to frontal. my face area has no symptoms whatsoever, no pain in the eyes, no tender swollen skin, no fits or seizure.

and no money to go to the doctor.

help me, please

g

4.

2010-10-04T02:09:00.002+07:00

congratulations to siti nuhara for the new post, now what was a deserted abandoned valley of beautiful and philosophical words of a girl with a very deep insight, has turned into a semi-developed roman utopia, with the emperor returning to power. :P

just kidding. those are compliments by the way. i love your posts although often it took me like ten times of reread or get stuck to a certain phrase that i really need to think over again and again, with the exceptional of this recent post, which i can half understand of what you're trying to convey. really, ara, with all the books you read, it must be so hard to not telling anyone of what you got from it, you should write more often, and seriously girl, i mean this in a very serious way. WRITE MORE OFTEN, okay? i always waiting for your new post, ok? :)

actually, this is a bit of embarrassing because it is always embarrassing to talk or say something to another individual with mind superior than me and with a vast knowledge of the world, meanwhile i'm still trying to figure how to pass a simple paper. so, instead of writing what i thought in the comment section, i feel rather comfortable in my own space here.

i kind of understood what you were saying, and i see that we both have a dream that is way deviant from what we are doing right now. you, an islamic philosophical lecturer, trying to have both world of religious teachings and science theories to a single academic line, which i think is the question of century because too often these two worlds collide with each other leading to a confusion, which is not good. confusion is never good. and i, a free soul, a thinker, a journalist, an art enthusiast, a photographer, a freelance writer, a traveller, an adventurer, a founder of new things in life which always give delight, who can always tell story about everything. mine may sound superfluous and useless, unlike yours, but we both have dreams.

i know that feeling when you feel like you're chasing something that's getting farther and farther away from you, as if you run in the other way, and the world where you're living that dream is non-existence. and i speak for myself, i once blame this on everything, my whole life; being in a science class, having too good of a result i had to falter the idea of dive into a field of endeavour unrelated to what i destined to do. yes, i've been there.

that said, i don't want everyone to think that i don't want to be a doctor, or i don't deserved this because there are literally thousands more out there with the willpower, the strength and certainly the mind but slightly lack in luck, dying to be what i am right now. no, i want to be a doctor, and i've said this thousands time like a broken chanting mantra, only because i meant it. but, i think ambitions and dreams are two very different things. ambitions are what we're doing right now, dream is what we don't. and ambition is a job, while dream are entitled and has to be earned.

i think maybe our roads are different, but we both want the same thing. to be happy, to be contented with what we are doing. to achieve something that all these while were only exist in out imagination. and i wish you good luck to that. maybe our roads might be different, we want the same thing; satisfaction. to contribute. we all are.

i guess what i'm trying to say is, don't stop dreaming. this might sound cheesy and cliche, but dreams make the world beautiful. about the doctor part, i just want to say that i always wanted to be a doctor. and maybe we don't believe that it is that simplistic, but yes, the reason i want to be a doctor is to help poor people in poor countries. to know their every story, what makes them so strong, because every one of us has our own story, and knowing that although i'm lacking in religious stuffs, and i don't do much to be a better believer, i still can help people and somehow make my existence not not significant. i want to contribute, like you do.

i hope you don't find this wrong. i know i'm not the deepest person around, and i'm still improving my english but not many of my entries i dedicated to certain people, just because i think i had to say something about what you have write. also, i'm kinda bored.

so good luck in your study, write more(this is a motivation for you to write more!!) and may we see each other next time.

3.

2010-10-01T05:20:00.000+07:00

2.

2010-09-23T01:54:00.001+07:00

hiatus, hiatus, hiatus.

raya was amazing. it was totally awesome. and high school friends are forever. they last for a last time. you can literally be all over the world and meet all kind of people, make all sort of new friends, but the one that stuck on you like a bubblegum on your shoes are high school best friends. and i agree with one dude's quote that goes something like this; if you want to really know a person, look no further than his friends. well, my friends are dysfunctional, retarded, semi-attractive, and might not smell great as a group but they are the best collection of people in the world. i love them, and maybe this sounds gay, but i missed them already. these are the people that take no qualm to laugh at you and no one in the clique has no right to be mad, nor one feels hurt, because all that laugh at, making fun of, mocking and embarrassing you are the product of sheer love. isn't that beautiful? ;)

also, meeting old friends opened up all sort of wounds though the only reasons they being opened was because they are to be healed. really, time heals, motherfuckers! but what was magical with high school friends has to be when we are together. it was as if we never got out of that school. it was like, we are wtill the uniform wearing, sweat-stench kids that grouped together under the ceiling fan because of the heat, and we went all laughing and reminiscing and carefree, seriously, we don't care about people at all when we were in school, and that's what i love meeting with them, and i hope to preserve these friends as long as i can. these friendships we have may be the longest pickles ever in the world! alright..

and this raya, meeting with a best friend and went beraya together to every house we know and we can find, the car journey was amazing. all the things we talked about, till it's late at night, and one of the them was the prospect of ever getting married. how old is too old, and the golden question that remains unanswered for probably many years to come; who?

*sigh*

g

1.

2010-09-03T04:02:00.002+07:00

i know that this is long overdue but people, selamat berpuasa. and selamat hari raya.

i might be sometimes quite vocal and loud voicing my opinions there in the land of facebook, but in here, i don't feel like writing that stuffs up. mainly because this is a place for me to get in touch with myself, and i say to be honest, that i read most of my stuffs, and i don't mind if no one read all these craps. i mean these could be utter bullshits to you but this is a way to keep my sanity in this crazy lunatic place. so there, add me on facebook and we can talk about many serious stuffs; politics, gossips, anything. but here is a space for my own. this is all me.

i know i, kinda promised to write about my vacation to lombok heheh, and i will, I WILL. can i say that this is a pre-face? yeah it is.

so basically, i went to lombok, out of nowhere. the truth was, i couldn't stand any more day in Jakarta. no, not because the thing with demos and all, the anti-malaysia sentiment but because i think i had it enough. my semester ended and i extended a week to repeat paper. which i loathed. the lecturers were lazy and inconvenient. these motherfuckers know nothing but suck money out of us students. i know i will failed the paper, and i did.

anyway, the exam were on saturday and i have the rest of the holiday to do anything i want, though it was ramdhan. and, these people my friend, i tell you, are the most boring, dull bunch of people you will ever met. okay, i know it seems like it was me, alien, and that is why i just go with no care of the world. seriously, you spent the whole 6 months in jakarta, the worst city in the universe, and then come the holidays. so you are young, have sufficient energy and some sum of money, what then hinder you from like, having fun? i like to travel but if these swamp creatures love hanging around in their own swamp, then be it.

2 weeks of fun and new experience. it definitely worth.

so i came back to jakarta, sad that i have to be back. i was greeted with the news that i failed the paper. great. just like i expected. and i thought, no, i ought to be strong because i kind of knew it already but i gave myself two days to mourn over the paper. sigh...

time is so not great right now. i have no interest whatsoever in my study, problems keep piling up one upon another and this is so great a deal i have to admit i sometimes cannot handle. i, don't wanna belajar anymore. i want to be simple people. you see, in my vacations, i met a lot of new people. and how i envy them because i see that there is light on their faces, like this is what i want in my life. these people that i met might be moneyless, alone and have no future, but very contented with their life. they are happy people. i want to be them.

i met a french lady with his boyfriend, a dutch. she worked as a tour guide on a cruise and he was a musician, playing in clubs and bars. they were so happy together, and not the fact that they were happy being together but they are happy with their lives. i seriously want to be like that. simple, simple life. and i blame this because i excelled in school.

last time i remember why i want to be a doctor in first place, was because i want to be like those people on mercy team, or doctors without borders, or flying doctors. that kinda doctors. and there is a long way ahead, and i don't think i have the strength to keep on walking, so please, if i rested too long, just know that i will someday keep on walking, i'm just taking a long nap.

g

-

2010-08-29T12:01:00.003+07:00

heheh....

g

2010-08-09T20:02:00.003+07:00

ok, so, hear this. i'm now in a holiday mood, but bulan puasa is coming too. do i be the grouchy slouch and let ramadhan ruin my holiday? hell naw! puasa is puasa, and vacation is vacation. this is super crazy, and i'm going to go with someone i only met once in bali. but we contacted through facebook and i think we're pretty good. i think he is pretty good. since we, don't have enough money, here is how we're going to get there. oh, btw, this is all done in 3rd class; the trains and all, and third class train in indonesia is not how you would imagine, third class is limited seats but no limit of passengers, so it's a normal thing if the number of passengers exceeded the number of seats. and may i remind everyone that this is strictly economical...warghh, i hope everything is going to be alright!

*this i copy pasted from some dude's blog, ours won't be too difference from this. so...

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KEBERANGKATAN

Khamis, 12 Augustus 2010.

Jakarta (Pasar Senen) - Jogjakarta (Lempuyangan)
Keterangan:
20:00 WIB kereta bertolak dari Pasar Senen.
Catatan:
+ tarif Pasar Senen ke Lempuyangan adalah rp36000. Lumayan murah...

*this train. hurmm....

Jumat, 13 Augustus 2010

Jogja (Lempuyangan) - Banyuwangi (Banyuwangi Baru & Ketapang) - Bali (Gilimanuk)

Keterangan:

05.14 WIB sampai & transit di Stasiun Lempuyangan, Jogja

07.30 WIB berangkat menuju Banyuwangi

22.22 WIB sampai di Stasiun Banyuwangi Baru, istirahat, menuju Pelabuhan Ketapang

23.00 WIB naik ferry menuju Pelabuhan Gilimanuk

Catatan:

* KA Ekonomi Sri Tanjung Rp 35.000 berangkat pukul 07.30 sampai 22.22 WIB

* kereta biasanya akan berhenti sementara di Stasiun Wonokromo,Surabaya selama kurang lebih 1 jam karena akan bergerak menuju StasiunGubeng, Surabaya untuk mengisi bahan bakar & kembali lagi keStasiun Wonokromo untuk melanjutkan perjalanan ke Stasiun Banyuwangi..

* sebenernya kita bisa turun dulu buat istirahat tapi resiko turun darikereta Sri Tanjung adalah nggak dapet tempat duduk karena di StasiunGubeng kerap terjadi lonjakan penumpang..

* tengah malem dari Stasiun Banyuwangi Baru jalan kaki kurang lebih 500meter ke Pelabuhan Ketapang buat naik ferry ke Pelabuhan Gilimanuk..

* ferry ada 24 jam, berangkat setiap 1 jam sekali tarifnya Rp 5.700, perjalanan 45 menit..

* sesampainya di Bali waktu akan maju sekitar 1 jam, karena ada perbedaan WIB & WITA..

* di Pelabuhan Gilimanuk selalu ada pemeriksaan identitas, jadi tolong bawa selalu KTP!

Sabtu, 14 Augustus 2010

Gilimanuk - Padang Bay - Lembar - Mataram (Mandalika) - Senggigi

Keterangan:

00.45 WITA sampai di Pelabuhan Gilimanuk, naik bus menuju Pelabuhan Padang Bay

08.00 WITA sampai di Pelabuhan Padang Bay, naik ferry menuju Pelabuhan Lembar

12.00 WITA sampai di Pelabuhan Lembar, naik L300 menuju Terminal Mandalika, Mataram

13.30 WITA sampai di Terminal Mandalika, Mataram naik L300 menuju Senggigi

15.00 WITA sampai di Senggigi, cari penginapan, istirahat

Catatan:

* dari Pelabuhan Gilimanuk ke Pelabuhan Padang Bay naik bus Rp 45.000

* dari Pelabuhan Padang Bay ke Pelabuhan Lembar naik ferry Rp 25.000

* dari Pelabuhan Lembar ke Terminal Mandalika, Mataram naik L300 Rp 5.000

* dari Terminal Mandalika, Mataram ke Senggigi naik L300 Rp 5.000

* sebenernya dari Pelabuhan Lembar juga ada L300 yang langsung keSenggigi biayanya Rp 10.000 tapi jarang, jadi untuk mengantisipasi kalonggak dapet kita ke Mataram dulu..

* sampai di Senggigi langsung cari penginapan, kisaran harganya antaraRp 60.000 - Rp 100.000 semalam, sewa 4 hari (25 - 29 Juni) jadi Rp400.000

@ LOMBOK

Ahad, 15 Augustus 2010

Senggigi - Bangsal - Gili Trawangan - Bangsal - Senggigi

Catatan:

* pukul 06.00 WIB berangkat dari Senggigi ke Pelabuhan Bangsal naik L300 Rp 3.000

* dari Pelabuhan Bangsal nyebrang ke Gili Trawangan naik perahu jukung Rp 10.000

* penyebrangan dari Pelabuhan Bangsal ke Gili Trawangan hanya ada 2kali sehari yaitu pukul 08.00 & 15.00 WITA, lama perjalanannyasekitar 45 menit..

* snorkeling di Gili Trawangan Rp 20.000

* dianjurkan bawa bekel sebelum ke Gili Trawangan, soalnya harga makanan di sana mahal..

Isnin, 16 Augustus 2010

Senggigi - Pusuk - Senaru - Sendang Gile - Tiu Kelep - Malimbu - Kerandangan - Senggigi

Catatan:

* untuk tanggal 27 & 28 Juni, berhubung tempat yang mau ditujubanyak & jaraknya juga cukup jauh jadi nanti sewa motor aja,harganya perhari antara Rp 50.000 - Rp 60.000

* siapin uang buat tiket masuk Monkey Forest Pusuk, Desa Adat Senaru, Air Terjun Sendang Gile & Tiu Kelep @ Rp 5.000

* untuk Pantai Malimbu & Kerandangan kayaknya nggak bayar..

Selasa, 17 Augustus 2010

Senggigi - Kuta - Tanjung Aan - Mawun - Taman Narmada (Mataram) - Batu Bolong - Senggigi

Catatan:

* siapin uang buat tiket masuk Taman Narmada & Pura Batu Bolong @ Rp 5.000

* untuk Pantai Kuta, Tanjung Aan & Mawun kayaknya juga nggak bayar..

LOMBOK - BALI

Rabu, 18 Augustus 2010

Senggigi - Mataram (Mandalika) - Lembar - Padang Bay - Denpasar (Ubung) - Kuta

Keterangan:

08.00 WIB check out dari penginapan, berangkat menuju Terminal Mandalika, Mataram

09.30 WIB sampai di Terminal Mandalika, Mataram naik L300 menuju Pelabuhan Lembar

11.00 WIB sampai di Pelabuhan Lembar, naik ferry menuju Pelabuhan Padang Bay

15.00 WIB sampai di Pelabuhan Padang Bay, naik bus menuju Terminal Ubung, Denpasar

17.00 WIB sampai di Terminal Ubung, Denpasar naik taksi menuju Kuta

18.00 WIB sampai di Kuta, cari penginapan, istirahat

Catatan:

* perjalanan dari Senggigi ke Pelabuhan Lembar lalu nyebrang kePelabuhan Padang Bay rute & ongkosnya sama seperti keberangkatan..

* dari Pelabuhan Padang Bay ke Terminal Ubung, Denpasar naik bus Rp 30.000

* sampai di Terminal Ubung nanti cari taksi yang mangkal di dalam terminal (karena di Bali nggak ada angkot) untuk menuju Kuta..

* kita cari taksi resmi yang mangkal di Terminal Ubung, Denpasar,jangan yang di luar terminal soalnya kalo mau ke mana aja biasanya udahdapet harga paten bukan harga argo! kalo nyari taksi di luar terminal,mereka rata rata minta borongan atau argo! syukur syukur kalo dapetharga yang murah..

* harga terakhir ke tujuan Legian - Kuta ongkosnya Rp 70.000 (patungan)

* sampai di Kuta langsung cari penginapan yang berada di sekitarMonumen Bom Bali aja atau daerah Poppies Line II karena harganya murahmurah..

* temen gue Akta dari Surabaya pernah dapet harga Rp 150.000 semalam(mereka 1 kamar 3 orang) udah full AC, double bed plus free extra bed,kamar mandi bathup & air panas - dingin..

* sama seperti dia, nanti kita sewa 4 hari aja (29 Juni - 3 Juli) jadi Rp 600.000

@ BALI

Catatan:

* berhubung di Bali nggak ada angkot, jadi selama di sana kita sewamotor perhari antara Rp 50.000 - Rp 60.000 atau mobil Rp 150.000 - Rp200.000 dengan jaminan KTP..

* kalo gue sih lebih prefer milih sewa motor soalnya selain lebih enak(bisa nyelip nyelip) juga jatohnya lebih irit bensin & lebih murah..

Khamis, 19 Augustus 2010

Kuta - Jimbaran - GWK - Dreamland - Padang Padang - Uluwatu - Kuta

Catatan:

* sampai di Uluwatu sore, buat ngeliat sunset & tari kecak..

* siapin uang buat tiket nonton pertunjukan tari kecak Rp 50.000

Jumat, 20 Augustus 2010

Kuta - Ulun Danu (Bedugul) - Alas Kedaton (Tabanan) - Taman Ayun - Tanah Lot - Kuta

Catatan:

* sampai di Tanah Lot sore, buat ngeliat sunset..

Sabtu, 21 Augustus 2010

Kuta - Sanur - Besakih - Tampak Siring - Ubud - Sukowati - Kuta

Catatan:

* ngeliat sunrise di Sanur & sunset di Kuta..

KEPULANGAN

Ahad, 22Augustus 2010

Kuta - Denpasar (Museum Bali & Ubung) - Gilimanuk - Banyuwangi (Ketapang)

Keterangan:

12.00 WITA check out dari penginapan, berangkat menuju Denpasar

13.00 WITA sampai di Denpasar, ke Museum Bali, jalan jalan

18.00 WITA berangkat dari Terminal Ubung menuju Pelabuhan Gilimanuk

23.00 WITA sampai di Pelabuhan Gilimanuk, istirahat

01.00 WITA naik ferry menuju Pelabuhan Ketapang

Catatan:

* sama seperti tadi, dari Kuta ke Denpasar naik taksi Rp 70.000 (patungan)

* di Denpasar masih ada jeda waktu sekitar 4 sampai 5 jam buat jalanjalan dulu ke Museum Bali sebelum ke Terminal Ubung untuk pulang..

* bus terakhir dari Terminal Ubung ke Pelabuhan Gilimanuk berangkat pukul 18.00 WITA

* dari Terminal Ubung ke Pelabuhan Gilimanuk naik bus tarifnya Rp 25.000

* sampai di Pelabuhan Gilimanuk bisa istirahat dulu sebelum menyebrangke Pelabuhan Ketapang atau bisa juga menyebrang terlebih dahulu baruistirahat di Banyuwangi (fleksibel)

Isnin, 23 Augustus 2010

Banyuwangi (Banyuwangi Baru) - Surabaya (Semut & Pasar Turi) - Jakarta (Pasar Senen)

Keterangan:

00.45 WIB sampai di Pelabuhan Ketapang, istirahat, menuju Stasiun Banyuwangi

06.00 WIB berangkat menuju Surabaya

13.47 WIB sampai di Stasiun Semut, istirahat, menuju Stasiun Pasar Turi

15.30 WIB berangkat menuju Jakarta

05.58 WIB sampai di Stasiun Pasar Senen, Jakarta

Catatan:

* sesampainya di Banyuwangi waktu akan mundur sekitar 1 jam, karena ada perbedaan WIB dengan WITA..

* antara Gilimanuk atau Ketapang (fleksibel) kita masih ada jeda waktusekitar 4 sampai 5 jam untuk istirahat mengingat kereta menuju Surabayabaru berangkat pagi pukul 06.00 WIB

* KA Ekonomi Sri Tanjung (Banyuwangi - Surabaya) Rp 19.500 berangkatpukul 06.00 sampai 13.47 WIB turun di Stasiun Semut, Surabaya..

* dari Stasiun Semut naik angkot ke Stasiun Pasar Turi Rp 2.000 ataubisa juga jalan kaki kurang lebih 1 km, nggak begitu jauh koq! hehehe..

* KA Ekonomi Kertajaya (Surabaya - Jakarta) Rp 43.500 berangkat dari Stasiun Pasar Turi pukul 15.30 sampai 05.58 WIB

RINCIAN BIAYA

Transportasi Umum

* KA Ekonomi Kahuripan (Bandung - Jogja): Rp 24.000

* KA Ekonomi Sri Tanjung (Jogja - Banyuwangi): Rp 35.000

* Ferry (Ketapang - Gilimanuk) Rp 5.700 PP: Rp 11.400

* Bus (Gilimanuk - Padang Bay): Rp 45.000

* Ferry (Padang Bay - Lembar) Rp 25.000 PP: Rp 50.000

* L300 (Lembar - Mataram) Rp 5.000 PP: Rp 10.000

* L300 (Mataram - Senggigi) Rp 5.000 PP: Rp 10.000

* L300 (Senggigi - Bangsal) Rp 3.000 PP: Rp 6.000

* Perahu (Bangsal - Gili Trawangan) Rp 10.000 PP: Rp 20.000

* Bus (Padang Bay - Denpasar): Rp 30.000

* Taksi (Denpasar - Kuta) PP Rp 70.000 x 2 dibagi 4 orang: Rp 35.000

* Bus (Denpasar - Gilimanuk): Rp 25.000

* KA Ekonomi Sri Tanjung (Banyuwangi - Surabaya): Rp 19.500

* Angkot Surabaya (Semut - Pasar Turi): Rp 2.000

* KA Ekonomi Kertajaya (Surabaya - Jakarta): Rp 43.500

Jumlah Biaya Transportasi Umum Rp 366.400

Sewa Motor & Penginapan

* Sewa 1 Motor 5 hari (2 Lombok & 3 Bali) x Rp 60.000 dibagi 2 orang: Rp 150.000

* Penginapan di Lombok 4 hari x Rp 100.000 = Rp 400.000 dibagi 4 orang: Rp 100.000

* Penginapan di Bali 4 hari x Rp 150.000 = Rp 600.000 dibagi 4 orang: Rp 150.000

Jumlah Biaya Sewa Motor & Penginapan Rp 400.000

Hiburan

* Tiket Masuk Wisata (sekitar 15 spot yang bayar) x Rp 5.000: Rp. 75.000

* Snorkeling di Gili Trawangan: Rp 20.000

* Tiket Pertunjukan Tari Kecak: Rp. 50.000

Jumlah Biaya Hiburan Rp 145.000

ENUTUP

* berdasarkan rincian di atas jadi total dana yang dibutuhkan selama diBali & Lombok (di luar makan & belanja), dengan asumsi 4 orangyang ikut per orangnya Rp 911.400

* buat savety bawa aja sekitar Rp 1.500.000

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the dates, aren't quite determined yet. but it will be around the corner. also, two weeks is kinda too long, so it might be modified accordingly.

so, i can't wait also i'm kinda scared, because i never ever travel this super backpacker style, plus with an indonesian friend that i don't even know to close. well, i'm young and if not now, when will i ever get to feel this kinda thing, right? wish me all well, alright. this time, i PROMISED to write about my adventure there. i would even bring with me a notebook to note everything we do, y'know, like all those pesky travel movies. god i cant wait! :)

g

2010-08-05T04:27:00.004+07:00

let's get real. someday, i have to be with someone and get married, to you know, take care of me when i'm old, make me sandwich, accompany me to family events and all; basically all the reasons people getting married. although to be honest, if i were given a choice, i don't want to be married. well, at least not for at least another 15 or 20 years. if it were up to me, i will marry if i had grown old and weary of my life; let's face it, it'll be long before that happen, and settle down, and be the boring slow people that wander off around the mall and sit in couch, wondering what could happen that wouldn't happen.

kan?

i've seen many of my friends, in the pursuit of "the one". some go far with their current one, some have to fall back to where it starts. some are obvious moron walking like romeos or juliets, playing the i'm-so-in-love part and these lots are an insult to idiots everywhere. though i began to understand that being idiotic, is part and parcel of being in a relationships, and in love. and i have to admit, that's the beauty of it. how many of us, looking back in time and see what you have done for the one you loved, and thought, "wow, i'm a bloody idiot, wtf was i thinking". oh, i know i've never been in a relationship..(so are you..lol), but we sure has some crushes or that perfect embodiment of our fantasies, hasn't we? i too had some but thank god that mine never reached that point of i become a stalking creeper or an obsessive maniac. almost, but not there. unlike you.

and i also found out that it is so easy to be in love. especially if you are too desperate to find it, or more if you've never been in any(bear in mind that this love i talked about is love, like, you and me, we're gf-bf. not your mom's, your sister's or your florist's love). the hardest thing, and probably where all the stupidities and suffering come from, is to distinguish which one is the true love and which one is merely affection and infatuation. sure, if some chick come out and say that she loves me, like it or not, you feel intrigued. maybe because of the self-esteem, maybe the wood in yer pants talking, it could be anything! oh, this age-old question, what is true love. some say we just know it; which is a theme tirelessly harped by chick flicks since the beginning of film industry. some also say that true love grows with time, when you've been so long with someone, you know her smell, you know her flaws and don't give a hell about it. the funnier one says that true love is living with a witch and you don't mind. some even go to the extreme of true love is great sex!

i say they are all true. true love is never something you could textbook define. it's differ from one person to next. and maybe it is trial and error, and if that is true then it is also true that the world we live in is fucked up, but getting the right one is never easy. but, you can always rely on your mind to find the right one. sure, maybe you would say, hey, as if heart would listen what you want! maybe, but there is no harm in planning, even if someday you fall in love with someone totally different from what you expected, at least you had dreamed.

as for me, i never really though about finding someone i want to spend my time and my secrets with, except with my best friends. it really gotta differ, i mean best friends and your partner. i don't know how should i be with her, if there's ever her. i've never been in a relationship before, so how would i know. sure, i have some crazy crushes, some shameful puppy loves, but that was it. i never, like serious, to chase after them. also,if i do, poor them lol. my best friend once said to me, you just have to wait, there gotta be someone. i believe that. and i don't mind how long it takes for her to get here, i am not rushing or anything, i don't even mind if she never came.

but i feel amazed, how the hell a lot of people out there, going out and about, putting themselves into fragile states of being with someone. where do they see things go? is it, like, fuck i wing it thing, or is it like a sudden impulse of i gotta have what everyone is having, like a delicious lunch or a horrible dinner?

people are weird. that's why we are superior than cats or bears(although if there is a bare hand fight between a bear and a man, the guy would be viciously savaged; awesome though).

2010-08-02T19:27:00.002+07:00

2010-07-27T02:43:00.001+07:00

my letter to my patron. written with and by love, for love.

Tuan,

Surat Tunjuk Sebab Pencapaian Akademik Tidak Memuaskan

Merujuk perkara di atas, saya mengakui kemerosotan prestasi akademik saya pada semester lepas. Jika ditanyakan faktor penyumbang, boleh disenaraikan beberapa perkara,

2. Punca utama kemerosotan, saya dahulukan dengan diri sendiri. Saya akui yang focus saya yang sedikit berubah dan mudah teralih, kalau tidak banyak, terhadap beberapa perkara trivia dan tidak penting, atau mungkin juga penting, sehingga hilang focus dan lari dari matlamat akademik. Saya sememangnya mempunyai kecenderungan malas belajar dan malas untuk mengulangkaji, terutama setelah tahun pertama di Trisakti berakhir. Secara jujur, saya tetap mengulangkaji materi kuliah yang sebegitu banyak dari awal hingga akhir menjelang setiap kali ujian, tetapi setiap kali ujian juga nilai saya setara itu sahaja. Mungkin di sini factor cara pembelajaran memainkan peranan yang penting, tetapi yang pasti, semua ini berpunca dari diri saya sendiri dan perbaikan harus datang dari usaha saya sendiri. Saya akui, saya agak cuai dan lalai ketika ulangkaji, seringkali saya tertinggal beberapa perkara penting yang ditanyakan di dalam ujian, dan juga kadang-kadang akibat terlampau sering gagal atau memperoleh nilai yang agak rendah, saya underestimate kebolehan saya sendiri, saya menjangkakan hasil ujian yang minim dan rendah-rendah. Saya juga akui tabiat belajar saya yang tidak bersesuaian dan tidak mengena dengan status saya sebagai pelajar.

3. Kedua, tekanan. Kalau boleh dibuat sebuah gambaran, hidup di Jakarta saya gambarkan seperti hidup di sarang tikus. Tempat yang padat, kotor, tidak terurus, pokoknya, segala perkara mencekik realiti, kadang-kadang benar-benar mencekik dengan udara tercemar yang sangat, sangat tidak sesuai untuk didiami. Sakit-sakit umum seperti batuk dan flu menjadi staple bulan-bulan yang dihabiskan di sini. Dengan gangguan dari keadaan kota Jakarta yang sungguh amat sangat tidak kondusif untuk proses pembelajaran dan pengajaran, tekanan boleh dipuncakan dari bermacam-macam perkara, dan disini saya menggarisbawahi keadaan kota yang ibarat rongsokan. Pernah saya terbaca di sebuah van angkutan kota, Jakarta itu lebih kejam dari ibu tiri dan saya alami ini first hand. Mungkin perkara sama tidak terjadi pada pelajar lain di university lain di Jakarta seperti UI kerana kedudukannya berada lebih ke pinggir kota atau seperti Ukrida, di kawasan yang kurang padat dan sesak, tidak seperti di Grogol.

3. Masih lagi tekanan, saya juga merasa tertekan dengan system di Trisakti sendiri. Setiap modul berlangsung sebulan. Dengan waktu yang begitu singkat dan suntuk, sejuta materi harus dihabiskan dan difahami dengan mendalam. Ditambah pula dengan 5% pertanyaan ujian yang dikeluarkan bakal ditanyakan dari luar topik kuliah tatap muka bersama dosen, sebaliknya dari pembacaan lanjut. Mungkin untuk sesetengah pelajar perkara ini tidak menjadi masalah tetapi mungkin saya masih belum terbiasa dengan keadaan seperti ini, meskipun sudah hamper genap 2tahun saya di sini. System di universitas ini juga lebih kepada hafalan dan kefahaman teori TANPA praktikal, berbeda seperti di universiti-universiti lain yang selain kuliah tatap muka di dalam ruang kuliah yang minimal, mungkin tidak menjangkau 80 orang (Trisakti menempatkan setiap kelas sebanyak 150 orang), mereka juga mempunyai skill lab pada tahun pertama lagi, juga berkhidmat di hospital-hospital tertentu. Sekali lagi, mungkin mempelajari teori selama 3tahun tanpa lab atau praktikum bukan masalah tetapi pada pendapat saya lab dan praktikal menambah kefaham tentang sesuatu materi kuliah.

4. Selain itu, system di Trisakti juga tidak menyediakan ruang yang cukup untuk memperbaiki nilai. Untuk pengetahuan tuan, trisakti tidak menyediakan waktu remedial/remed; seperti di universiti2 lain, sebaliknya mengamalkan system “semester pendek” yaitu SP. SP mempunyai 2 siklus, dengan setiap siklus telah siap dibahagikan kepada modul-modul tertentu. Dan, terlampau sering modul-modul ini bentrok/clash di antara satu sama lain. Mau tidak mau, sks pada semester terbabit, yang modulnya tidak boleh diambil kerana bentrok dengan modul yang lain, perlu dibawa ke semester hadapan, lagi sekali, dengan risiko untuk terjadi bentrok. Mungkin kecil tetapi jika mau mencapai pointer di atas 2,5...agak sukar dengan nilai saya.

5. Pengurusan masa. Belajar last minute, lebih-lebih lagi dengan materi yang sukar dan banyak, menyebabkan nilai saya jatuh dan umumnya, rendah. Factor diri sendiri yang sememangnya kurang rajin dan focus-fokus yang teralih dari akademik, mengakibatkan ulang kaji menjadi tidak efektif.

6. Masalah-masalah lain seperti keuangan, sistem yang perlu sogokan uang setiap masa, bosan dengan gaya hidup yang sama seperti robot, bosan dengan kemacetan kota Jakarta sendiri.

7. Walaubagaimanapun, saya pasti masih ada ruang untuk saya perbaiki diri sendiri. Punca kemerosotan saya berbalik kepada diri saya sendiri. Saya tahu saya harus sedar tujuan asal saya ke sini, saya juga harus lebih focus, meskipun berat sebenarnya untuk saya tinggalkan perkara yang saya suka, saya faham bahawa saya harus melakukan yang terbaik untuk mencapai kecemerlangan, dan mungkin perkara terbaik itu boleh dicapai dengan melupakan sebentar perkara yang disukai, sebaliknya tumpuan total terhadap akademik. Secara jujur, saya masih lagi keliru dan tercari-cari tujuan hidup dan minat saya. Saya harap tuan mengerti yang meskipun setiap orang belajar perkara yang sama dalam waktu yang sama, daya pembelajaran setiap orang berbeza dan saya juga telah melakukan yang terbaik, walaupun jelas yang terbaik dari saya masih belum mencukupi. Untuk menyalahkan pihak tertentu adalah tidak wajar tetapi jika beban ini diletakkan sepenuhnya di atas bahu saya juga adalah tidak wajar, maka saya harap dengan factor-faktor yang saya berikan, diharap supaya tuan mengerti akan beban-beban saya dan teman-teman sebagai pelajar di Jakarta, Indonesia.

Terima kasih.

Sekian

p/s figure no one gonna read it anyway, i guess there's no harm if i put it here. yes, i'm a underachiever, and frankly, i don't feel pretty bad about it at most times, though there are times when i just wanna rip my head off and throw it in a hoop. well, i guess everyone thought about that some time in their life...right?

2010-07-26T01:56:00.000+07:00

well, urm, fuck. people just want to hurt one another, don't they?

like, physically and mentally, and financially, spiritually, religiously, racially, im-bigger-than-you-ally. i mean, if i was God and i see upon my "greatest" creation; that is humanity, and i trusted them with a planet, i said, "i give you brain so you can think and you should be smarter than the rest of four-legged and hollow bones and those in the seas, you should make this a beautiful place for all of us". and now, i won't ever hesitate to wipe the entire humanity, teach them a lesson not to mess with me.

that is why, you and i aren't God, and thus no way could be sure of anything in the future or the past, nor we have the power to change them. *time-travel?

but we do have the power to decide. that's the thing, decision! there is fate, and it's all predetermined and all, yeah, but we do make our own decision.

and if it is your decision to hurt my friend the way you do right now, it is your decision to choose me as your enemy. if it is your decision to lie to my friend and then if she can't see it, know that i can see right through you, i know your every step, i know what you're made of, i know your every motive. if this is your decision and then you say this is all God's way or His mysterious works, then fuck you! no, this is all yours and don't you dare bringing God into anything. God has no business with you, you fucktards religious people who always blame and bringing God to every single thing, as if you can't decide on your own!

and if you do think of leaving my friend, i don't mind. as long as you do it nicely and please don't do a remission in another time. we won't trust you, ever.

g

2010-07-16T03:11:00.000+07:00

when at midnights, i become sad. why?

i read somewhere that during this godly hours of the night when the world is silence that you would find solemn, that the whole world will seep onto your skins and the realization of life would come.

these past few days, shits are getting real. like, the possibility is there, it so can happened, it's like waiting for your deformed retarded son to be born but you are not ready, heck, you don't want ready.

denial.

i actually don't want to be ready, or in any way prepared. i feel if i'm prepared, it's like i'm waiting for the thing to straight running into my arms, break my bones and shred my flesh, it is so scary. i don't want to fail anymore.

my sponsor's representative really don't know shit. that same shit storm he keep spewing out of his mouth, "kamu harus sacrifice, don't balik malaysia selalu", "if this people can, why can't you"...

he speak as if he knew everything. dumb bitch. i hate you.

g

2010-07-13T02:37:00.001+07:00

want to know what sadness is made of? try listening to lagu raya at 3am alone in your room, while browsing through family album and contemplating bank account balance.

(=_=)"

i just feel like to write this.

life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades.

maybe if i say it often enough i would believe it. it is hard to do something and keep failing at it. this, shortens life.

life is more than passing grades.life is more than passing grades.life is more than passing grades.life is more than passing grades.life is more than passing grades.life is more than passing grades.life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades.

*sigh*

g

2010-07-12T02:20:00.001+07:00

did you know, most of the things i've written here is for me, for my sanity, and not for anyone else? yeah, i'm actually talking to myself. the pronoun i frequently used is "you" and that you is me. i'm a psycho but who cares?

but seriously, don't take anything i write too seriously. hell, i've been told by some of my friends that i sounded miserable in my blog! i too, often reread my posts and feel "what the fuck this whiny bitch so stress about, i too facing the shit, shut the fuck up!". to be honest, it wasn't very common practice for me to write when i'm angry or sad or depressed or in deep shit, i usually just keep quiet when those things came. a few days later when i had gathered some strength then i would write. what a pussy!

anyway, i am just so happy if you guys comment. it sorta make my day, like, you know, someone listens to me, like really listen. the thing is, being the funny guy, people always count on you to fart rainbow and glitter out your ass. it certainly doesn't help that i am a compulsive liar, pretty much like "the boy who cried wolf". it's just good fun, but it is hard for people and myself to take me seriously.

so thank you, please make my day. yes i am in a very good mood tonight. :]

2010-07-09T05:15:00.000+07:00

i cannot sleep, the insomnia kicking in hard this time.

i think i'm in stress, i'm depressed. i know i don't show it, heck i don't realize i am, but just now, i almost burst into tears listening to some sad songs that had no significant meaning to me.

i hate this.

g

2010-07-08T02:46:00.009+07:00

it all a blurry past, a nice calm and quiet blurry past. this was taken 2009 by the way...

i actually have to gather some strength to write tonight, too tired to stay up, yet too awake to fall asleep. and since i figure that things need to be said before they are dead, i decided to pen up some stuff. some things that i think is worth to be told to no one but for me.

a friend came over tonight and we had a nice talk about many things. it started with how bad i think eclipse was, and a big fan, the lame excuse of the twilight fandome is "you just don't understand". never mind, i still with the rest of the world thinking that that shit twilight is still shit. the conversation, however, took a different turn for good, because we actually talked about some serious stuff, talked about some stuffs that is much needed right now.

i fathom the idea of leaving everything behind, as usual, and that's where it all started. clearly, we have different reasons to move on, to keep going on, except that i have the same amount of reasons why i think i should not while she cannot even begin to problem with the idea. good for her. and we both agreed that this has our childhood upbringing written all over especially in the role of decision making, and since we both are at the other ends of a family; she's the first elder and me the youngest, that the child inside you would never leave you, instead, he keeps wondering what the hell happened to him. and listening to how the other end of a spectrum's side, it is really refreshing.

i'm 21 years old and i have said this many times over and over again, me today is the large part of my doing. i had no one to blame or to actually thank for. don't get me wrong, i love my parents and all, i miss them a lot, but really; please bear with me now, they deliver me to this world, and from right on, i make up my own path.

my parents are what you would call an average villagers, with low-income jobs and family of eight to support. my mum has high school certificate, while dad is...i don't know. but he claimed he went to school. you can say that my parents weren't so well educated, pretty average, but they do know how to read and all. mum was so keen with geography and history, the trait soon i found out left me while the passing of genetics. so my parents really don't have that "parenting method" or "good police, bad police" or anything ever written in every parenting book. they, what i called, "wing it" method. you got a baby, you raise him along the way.

back then, people don't really believe in education, especially those who have "harta" or successful business. my family was downright poor, we had nothing except a house on my grandmother's land, so we really had to struggle. by some fortunate event, by the time i was in sekolah rendah, things got a little bit better, at least all my brothers and sisters got to go to school. seriously, i don't know how or when things at home be a lot better, it happened so fast but gradually, in front of our very own eyes, we got out of the murky water. one by one, left home and managed to pop out of the cocoon to chase better deals.

my childhood wasn't like anyone else. i know this for a fact because i know a lot of people and they had a wonderful, vivid idea of how their childhood were. not that my childhood wasn't great but it was different, in some ways are good, in some ways are should have but haven't. no no, i am not talking about some extreme labor jobs, or bad sexual experience, or anything. mine is plain.

too plain.

to be continued...

p/s i am now tired and too sleepy to awake

g

2010-07-08T01:40:00.005+07:00

...

"I want to have a lasting experience of God, " I told him. "Sometimes I feel like I understand the divinity of this world, but then I lose it because I get distracted by my petty desires and fears. I want to be with God all the time. But I don't want to be a monk, or totally give up worldly pleasures. I guess what I want to learn is how to live in this world and enjoy its delights, but also devote myself to God."

Eat, Pray and Love, Elizabeth Gilbert

2010-07-06T02:09:00.001+07:00

for the last few days, i've been reading, talking and stumbling around the internet about wedding and marriage. and, to be serious, i actually don't really buy the concept of living with almost a stranger for the rest of the world.

sure, i do understand why people marry; so that they have someone by their side all the time. to know that they are there when they need them. yes, all that is written in every love book and in every chick flick.

but, i think, almost 80% of weddings across the world, is based on the fear of dying alone, or basically, of ending up alone. and if that is the reason i should consider, if someday i should be married to someone i don't even love because i am too old and i have to have someone to take care of me, i will voluntarily send myself off to some home.

at least that's what i think, for now. but i can see myself not getting married in like another 15years, the idea of sharing everything with another human being is just too repulsive, repulsive enough that 15years is sufficient amount of time to cure.

g

2010-07-04T18:25:00.000+07:00

if you asked me, i'm all for freedom of speech. and by that i mean in any kind of speech, verbal, writing, painting, drawing, cartooning; basically any viable way to communicate what you are trying deliver to people.

now, i now that the freedom of speech is a very sensitive issue, but is also the most broad subject ever. i mean, freedom of speech, will you have limits? where is the limits? how would you draw the line and where is it? what do you call the excessive used over the line? and i am pretty sure we all have our own wise and fairly-judged opinion. and i say freedom of speech borders with hate, not humour.

g

2010-07-02T04:34:00.002+07:00

so, i'm bored. and i feel irritated. the mere mention of that guy's name gets on my last nerve. i ended up a cranky old bitch and keep moaning about the guy to anyone who would listen. there was a point even i'm tired of listening to myself bitching about him. whatever, it's just a face and he's stupid anyway. who cares? i don't.

at time like these, i listen to music because music calms you down; that's a fact. i don't care, just as long as they're good songs. any genre would do. i am one of those people who listen to the music instead of the lyrics. but i know you guys don't care, so i'll just put up some pictures of whose music i enjoy and love to listen to, not in ranking, not that you care anyway, it's stupid. who cares? i don't.

James Morrison. love

Jason Mraz.

Bon Iver.

Iron and Wine.

The Smiths

Belle and Sebastian.

Morrissey himself.

Kimya Dawson.

Death Cab for Cutie.

Regina Spektor.

Zee Avi.

She and Him

Vampire Weekend

Lily Allen.

The Postal Service

Cat Power

Amy Winehouse

The White Stripes.

Corrinne Bailey Rae

The Maccabees

The Leisure Society

Joshua Radin

Radiohead

Mat Kearney

Mat Nathanson

huh, so my blog is lacking pictures. does this compensate? lol. i was bored now i'm tired. this inner hipster is so annoying. geez..

this is just some of my library. i'm tired. what, you expect me to list down everything? i won't. whatever.

p/s credit for google.

2010-06-29T20:58:00.000+07:00

generally, i hate kelantanese. it takes time to change that perception. only some kelantanese i've known so far managed to run away from the norm and cliched attitude of a kelantanese.

maybe i'm wrong, or a bigot, but stereotypes, they're there for a reason.

2010-06-29T03:03:00.001+07:00

i'm always worried, if i looked back on so many things i've said or done in the past, i would feel stupid and incapacitate. and i do, many times. it is depressing, more than anything, that the fact you cannot change what had been done in the past to suit what's your favour now. your brain did this, it deceives you all the time, and then laugh at you when you realize you're just being stupid.

however, this time, i would never regret, ever, of what i did. i'm being mature. and i realized, yes i have matured and i am able to think rationally even when i'm dealing with probably the most evil and hated person in this world. maybe ageing does make me smarter, i think it makes us all smarter. but not this guy. i guess it's true what some people said, even god taught us; when bad things happened to you, be calm and just pray for your enemy, because it's super passive aggressive and will totally piss them off. lol. i did, didn't i?

ok seriously, i texted this guy, a ~~friendly~~ message, saying that i hate his guts. the reason? because he put on his status, calling me and my friends bad names. lol, so uncalled for, not to mention pure childishness. this is just a way of me and my friends to actually declare, to make it official, that i hate his ~~stupid~~ face and his ~~rude~~ attitude. being a sound 21-year old, i texted him saying straight away that i hate him. i'm not even using exclamation point whatsoever. so, naturally, i expect a nice calm reply.

no, i wasn't. he continued saying harsh words, and threaten me and my friends, and some other words i did not understand.

ok, it was a bit funny. here you got a 21-year old, all physically healthy and complete, acted like a total idiot in front of some idiots(that is me and my friend). to be frank, if he replied our texts calmly and rationally, even i would feel a little guilt, maybe i would even apologize. he didn't, so it's proven that he do not deserve my sorry.

the whole drama, however, was quite assuring. i made it crystal clear that i hated this guy and so later on i don't have to be appropriate or to cover my feeling of despise in front of him. it was liberating to tell it yourself that you hated him. it wasn't tense, at all. and i think, if i looked back, i wouldn't change a thing. i couldn't handle the situation better. i'm not regretting that maybe a friendship bond i could have with this guy, no, not at all.

i guess some people would remain the same for the rest of their lives. if you are 21 years old, you probably had lived one third of your lives, and if that period of time haven't taught you anything about being nice to other people or at least mature you up, you really can't be changed. if someone actually saw what a kind person you really are, i think that he/she must be very lucky, because i don't, and i don't think i ever will.

this is a message to him, if he actually read this. i don't tell people to hate you, i don't ask people to take side. i don't even tell them what i think of you. so, if you found yourself being hated, once again, by someone other than me, please don't blame me and my friends. maybe it was you all along. it was nice being friend with you for a little while and that was it. :)

2010-06-27T02:19:00.001+07:00

you put the U in FUCK YOU. unfortunately, no one cares about you.

g

2010-06-21T00:35:00.001+07:00

all i'm trying to do was to find a little courage to read the remaining two handouts and here i am, ended up here writing for this piece of trash a trash.

last few days, i had several nostalgic moments and conversation with my friends, and with myself. all of us miss school, the good old time when i believe that things would go according to my plan. how naive. but the detour i had till this day what make my life worth living. i have nothing but gratitude and thankful that i am here, not because of what i'm doing, but because i realized that thing could be worse.

sometimes, i think my life has no real purpose. being a doctor and serve the community aside, i already explained how ambitions are different than dreams. i dream of many things, so many things that i make a mistake of pre-planning my life.

i watched a movie recently about women. i don't know men but i believe they made the same mistake too, until men are repressive creatures while women embrace the absurdity and love to show it to the world.

the recently broken-up character, cannot face the fact that she isn't get over his boyfriend anymore. she said she is but she is so not. and along this process, she easily got obsessed for another guy. what i'm trying to say is, she's the one that got herself in deep shit in the first place. her exes, and this new guy, is a mistake. she allowed herself to fall for some strangers, when it is the golden rule not to. her ex didn't love her like the way she did. he chose another girl, uglier and less fabolous than she is, but maybe because he likes her. that's simply is the truth. she got obsessed with the new guy for about a week, till she found out that he has a girlfriend. sure, it may be infatuation or affection but i don't think letting yourself to fall into some anonymous guy you haven't spoken to and you have seen him one time in a party is a wise step. you want to grow up then you should act like you really do. i think that is the biggest mistake she make, she falls so easily.

on the other hand, the other girl's character is in a very loving relationship. like her abusing past relationship, she gave everything that she had. she cooked, studied with him sometimes sacrifice her own time, and she even got to know his mother. that is another mistake. she planned her wedding and all, she basically see she had a future with this guy. sure, he is a nice guy but you never know the future. when you put all your hopes in a guy, you believe he is the splitting image of holy jesus, you basically eat his every bullshit. i know, i might sound bitter and all, but this i'm realist. i know you'd say that love is stupid, love is blind, love knows no boundaries but this is the fact. see, most of love's every adjective isn't good ones. that gotta say for something.

i read somewhere that relationship is when you do the same thing all over again with different people expecting different results but is always ended up the same. i guess that is true. and i couldn't emphasise this more that girls are too stupid to see the dynamic of a man's feeling sometimes. my advice, find a cat and make it as your pet. cats are pretty much like men.

g

:p

2010-06-14T02:35:00.000+07:00

I guess there is no other way to know what we've been doing all along is right or wrong, except to end what we had started in the first place. But there is always a way out. Life is a long and winding highway, and there always the exits, though it will only come in only a few moments in your life.

Human is designed to prevail. Evolution has taught us that, that only the strongest will survive. Out thick skulls, hard bones, layers of skin, a very effective secretion system, we are designed to live. But, we are not designed to make wise decisions. Throughout history, all sort of bad decisions made, catastrophic effects came and passed, and wait for the next bad decision to be made.

Giving up, we all had that moment of clarity, when the idea of leaving seems like not too bad of an idea. Like how sometimes our minds deceive our brains into thinking that orange mustard is a good colour on us. The only different is how many of us really dig the idea of leaving, and take the faithful leap, to a decision that might be regretted later, but nevertheless, is a thing to do.

All my life, i seldom give up. But also there were too little of circumstances into pedestal; to make or break. I usually go with the flow, and that is why i really don't know how's giving up would truly feel. And if i have to imagine, to give up medicine, i will tell you how liberating it would feel. I imagine it would be something no short of being given a chance at life for a second time. I cannot express how light i would feel if i was to escape this evil mean claws!

But, there's too many things a fantasy can fulfil, that reality would soon kick in with its harsh unmerciful gesture. The constant reminder of your failure, you, yes, you are a failure. Get up off your ass and see yourself in the mirror of how pathethic you look. That torturing feeling every morning you will have upon the realization of you are nothing but a sack of meat without purpose seeps in, the question that if you died, who would miss you, what will they say about deceased you, the grim thoughts that keep replaying over, and over again.

Sorry, i have to many things to lose if i give up now, or ever. I can't afford to give up, be it the road would riddle with multiple failures and constant depression, no...i can't. This is something i have to do, what am i gonna do with it when i'm finished, that is something i haven't decided yet. I, as you are, will wade this murky black water, and whatever will happen, will reach the shore in the end. Be strong my mate, be strong.

g

2010-06-14T01:58:00.000+07:00

wow. you know that one thing that everyone always wanted to do it and they really can, but no one really does it, because it's crazy. what happened when someone decided to finally take the leap, and take the risk, and just get it over with?

what if, that thing, means to throw away all you had done in four years, and ended up empty, all over again. you have all these fillings to fill a nice tall glass but you have no glass to fill in. i mean, you have it, but you don't have it, right.

medicine is hard, and there is no excuse or but to the statement. it's a cold hard fact that medicine is to prescribe yourself with a poisonous pill, a death contract, that will always fulfil what his name bears; dying. slowly.

a man into his 4th year of medicine, has finished all the theories, and was into his clinical years, took a leap, and do what his heart has been saying for years. to quit and stop, and to disregard every other reason, to stop. and i find no wrong in it.

when i have kids, i would not encourage my kids to take medicine. go, take something else entirely, art, journalism, teaching, basically any other profession that require most of your time and eat you from within slowly. and that is the most painful death any man could ever experienced.

2010-06-08T00:24:00.000+07:00

the highlight of the week started with a really grandeur dinner in a lavish hotel at the very centre of jakarta. i was all out for it, i went to tailor to get a suit, which is much needed since the one my sponsor gave me when i was about to fly here is really ugly. i mean, there is homeless people on the street wearing rugs will tell me how fugly it is. the night was fun, and i was okay, i ditched my t-shirt and change it for a nice suit with a skinny tie for a while, but not the jeans. i wear jeans and i don't care what they gonna say.

i realized that i've been m.i.a for a few days, doubt if anyone notice, but yes i am in a full mode narcissistic tonight. i will tell you all like you care, amirite. but, erm, i really got nothing to tell, my life is boring. NO, take that back, my life is boring to you people, i think mine is pretty interesting.

yerp, and dull. you see, each day, i see that there is no point i am doing this. i mean, i am not even enthusiastic about this whole arrangement. yes, YES, i want to be a doctor, i should be happy that i'm on my way to it, hell yeah this is a dream come true, and a childhood dream at that...i should be happy, right?

or could i say i don't know. i was happy when i was chasing the uncertain, but now that i'm at it, i don't know what should i do. it just like another routine, like i do this and get this over with. no passion, no interest, nothing. there is something that i am very passionate; travelling. but when one thing overcrowd the other, i have no choice but have to choose one. i choose my study.

or if you see it in a different way, it was no more a choice than the obvious one i should choose, i don't really have an option in the first place!

i really, just want to do things i want, really! without consequences, or any costs. but the world isn't work that way, is it?

more on the narcissistic mode tonight, a few days ago, a random person i met when i was in bali added me on facebook. it was so random, out of nowhere, and i hardly remember that guy. he was a nice guy, very talkative. when we met, he was with some russian tourists, a really hot girl and two guys. we talked about many thing, and please, nothing sexual here. why is it everyone say anything sexual at all?

anyway, it was nice to see how much impression i give to someone. i get this a lot, people remember me but i seldom remember people. i have this pathological disease sort of, i hardly remember faces, and NAMES. gosh i am so bad at those two. don't make me start with numbers; plate number, handphone number, everything. i guess i one of those kind of brain that work in way that see thing as a whole, you know, instead of excruciate myself into details.

anyway, i am famous and likeable. there, narcissist's confession!

2010-06-06T09:14:00.000+07:00

to each and every one of you

2010-05-24T04:31:00.001+07:00

if i may divulge all my hopes and dreams and colourful shimmering rainbows of my emotion here, i will.

subconscious mind is so magically and oh boy, they are there for a very good reason. they are the little liar, the big swindler...that keep you intact.

can i say another thing, please? if someone, right now, give me a free ticket, it might be lottery, or my long lost rich king father, or some insurance fakap---ok free ticket, to go touring around the continents but i can choose only one, i will definitely choose asia, followed closely by australia.

i think asia is beautiful, so beautiful. the colourfulness of the whole diversity of people, and i say the enchanting face of asia is mainly contributed by the people themselves. okay, as a whole picture to the western modern world, we asians might be fakap society...here's a few things to show what i mean

1. japanese - country of perverts, paedophile, tentacle rape, under-age advance body modification, all sorts of craziness in this world.

2. the arabs - terrorists, and crazy hijab-wearing women, oil sheikhs with money that more than enough to fund a country for a decade, ahmadinejad.

3. indian - curry smelling, deodorant not-wearing, thieves and swindlers country

4. chinese - where everything is done in massive and for the sake of massive-ness. also, the weird messed up cuisine.

5. this part of asia? - monkeys living in trees and throwing poops at each other.

but, all these are actually what make asia's beautiful.

describe medicine

2010-05-20T22:19:00.001+07:00

oh, that's a hard one.

reading medicine is like having a baby, you see people do it and you think it's hard, but you believe you can do it just as well or in fact, for some people, they think they can do it better. so, you cooked the idea of having a baby for so long in your mind that your mind would deceive you into believing that, well, you can do it.

and then you have a baby, the first week is heaven, every little thing is cute, every little detail is interesting, every little mistake is learning moment...and that until come the realization of the nightmare when this little thing you loved, actually requires your commitment, your whole life and the irony is, at the same time, it can ruin your life. but, you bear with it, because, hey, it's the climb, no pain no gain, and you believe your baby is so worth it!

so, by each day, you become more and more like brain-feasting zombies and less like that shiny sunshine person you used to be. and then, after like 3 or 4 odd years, you baby grew up to be, erm, an average baby, nothing special, unlike those you saw other people had, or at least like on tvs, and bam!, it knocked you right on your face that the whole 3/4 years you sacrificed for this baby, is so not worth it. you are an empty shell now, you had nothing in your life except to take care of this baby, and your whole waking moment and some sleeping moment, is the baby. your dreams, is long gone in the drain. you like to turn back but it's too late, the baby is big now and he's killing you, figuratively.

you are now, a baby owner...

or in some other word, yeah it's fun! :)

Ask me anything

2010-05-16T16:23:00.000+07:00

I hate to come out and sound depressed or tensed but i am. The world, is too overwhelming right now. And i don't know who or where i should turn to. It's like the world around me is spinning in a fast motion, and i run and run and try to get onboard with everyone else but i can't.

The saddest thing is probably lies with the fact that i have no one to talk to about this, in the sense that i can talk without feeling judged or perhaps the insecurity monster inside me think i'm so tortured that no one else can handle it.

A few days ago, i learned how does it feel to be the stupidest person among peers. I learned how insensitive some people can be no matter how kind you are to them. I learned how the same insensitive people most of the time they treated you like a side dish; you only precious when there is no one else. I learned how hard it is to be happy about something you are not. I learned how sad and pathetic is it to hang your hope expecting failures and doomed to slump when people are winning, and you're not.

I learned that good thing happens to bad people, maybe fair is a paradox word. I learned how insignificant my existance to the world, to the people around me; this i learned for umpteenth times. I learned, maybe, just maybe, things aren't cut out for me to fit in, thw cut out is to big and i'm just a speck of dust around the edges.

And i learned how dream and ambition is two very different things, in words themselves, that rarely the two would meet, and how more rare to achieve both. And to consider to settle maybe, halfway of the climb.

Perhaps what i know now is not to hope anymore, because before this i learned, also the hard way, not to hope too high. Apparently, i was wrong. Hope is a false illusion of there's a magical wonderful world where everything works up for you, and that world, is non-existance. So, don't hope at all, at all course, better to just expecting loses, because statistically speaking, the bell graph has like, only 25% who succeeded while the other 75% are pathetic fools who think they stand a chance; it's better to know i would be in the latter than hoping to be in the former but later is dissapointed. Crushed.

Summer 2

2010-05-12T11:51:00.000+07:00

I remember this one time when I was in Mrs Gwen's English class. We were reading Carl Jung and she said love that in Carl Jung's opinion, we all have a sixth sense; intuition. When you meet someone and you suddenly feel like you can't live without them. This could be the memory of a past love from the collective unconscious. What i felt when my eyes met those beautiful pool of blue tranquility of daisy's eyes was love, i was so sure about it. It was unprecedented and it was unlike nothing I ever had. I never felt something so sure and assuring like this before. I had loved. I did, and it was beautiful and all, but it felt so empty compared to this. Sherly was my childhood friend and it lasted a summer before she ran away with another chap whom growth surpassed his age. We were 10. I was broken and devastated, I refuse to go to school for a week and that's that.

But this time around, it was killing me softly with a warm sensation that tingles every sense in my body. Both Carl Jung and Mrs Gwen were wrong.

The hot sunny day felt like a big warm hug over my heart, covered me with a blanket of evening breeze. I carried the grocery bag carelessly, and seriously, i don't even care. If it falls, if i stumble and it tumbles, if the eggs are broken, there is nothing that can ruin this moment. The whole thing kept replaying in my head, like an old noir movie, so innocent and beautiful, it was almost a dream.

I stood there silently, eyes striked to her eyes. My mouth was dry, my throat were wry. blood drain off my face but i felt this warm feeling over my chest. She was perfect in her flowy yellow dress, she was an angel. And I was a crow on a big pile of garbage mountain. She smiled, a smile that could make even god melts, that could stop the birds in the sky, a call in the forest. If there is a god and if he created all creatures of the earth, he must have spent the longest time perfecting this one. And abide to that god we must.

I have to speak to her, i can't let this chance fly by, but what i was going to do. I was this bliddering idiot whom in comparison to this statue of perfection, is a rain of a drizzle, a candlelight of a sunlight, a wind of a hurricane. I was so small and invaluable in her presence.

I figured that the door had already closed because i was such a pussy to go and say hi to her, but instead she made a move on me and said, hi. Her voice ringing like church bells, breaking the silence between us, and like a church bell, her voice is entrancing beauty of faith and belief.

" You're new here, aren't you? Never seen you around. Welcome to our town", she greeted. Words flowed out of her mouth like a stream across a plain, so smooth but the source of the whole plain.

No, she was wrong. I wasn't new here, i always been here these past few years. She's new, at least to me. This, i didn't say to her.

"Yeah...". I smiled, weakly.

"Where you stay? You know what, come to my house tonight, we'll chat. I really have to go, my grandma must've been waiting. We have this gathering tonight, you should come, it's at Ellie May's house. By the way, I'm daisy".

"Like the flowers". I don't know what came over me but that was embarrassing, god, i must 'ave flushed red.

"Haha, you're funny. Ok, i really should go, sorry...bye". And she turned, graciously, but before ran a little to the opposite way from where i came from, she turned her head and threw me the prettiest smile i've had ever seen. I was sure, she was an angel.

She must have liked me a little bit. She went her way to ask me to a woman-only reception. And god knows where she'd take me to escape the hee-haw. This silly though, make me ridiculously happy.

The big oak trees, the daisy field, the grashopper-infested knee-length grass field, and my grandmother's house. It felt like seconds. I was high in love, ecstatic by the mesmerizing beauty of be in love.

There across the road, was my grandma's house. Beneath the wooden gate and meticulously cared petunias, and this place wasn't seem so bad right now. In fact it was beautiful, contenting and relaxing, and all that had changed because of a love. My first true love. I could just die right now.

I made my way to the gate and loud boom, everything went black. I was dead. It was that easy, love made it easy. I could hear faintly my sister's cry and my grandma's worrying rumbling, the car that hit me barely injured, a small scratch and i was lying in a pool of blood coming from the big impacted bone beneath my head. This's before i left my body, and when life flashed before my eyes, i see every person that i know, and loved, and Daisy. And i was gone forever.

And if someone ever asked me how was it feel to die, I say it's pretty much the same of how you feel when you fall in love. And that Daisy was an angel indeed.

"I stood there silently, eyes striked to her eyes. My mouth was dry, my throat were wry. blood drain off my face but i felt this warm feeling over my chest. She was perfect in her flowy yellow dress, she was an angel. And I was a crow on a big pile of garbage mountain. She smiled, a smile that could make even god melts, that could stop the birds in the sky, a call in the forest. If there is a god and if he created all creatures of the earth, he must have spent the longest time perfecting this one. And abide to that god we must. "

I died young but i felt love, that is enough.

formspring.me

2010-05-07T00:21:00.001+07:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/AzmanHakim

formspring.me

2010-05-07T00:20:00.001+07:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/AzmanHakim

2010-05-02T21:45:00.000+07:00

1. thank and link the person that give you the award.

thank you psenk! really, thanks~ hehe

2. pass this award onto 15 bloggers you've recently discovered and think are fantastic.

you guys are fantastic!

3. contact said blog and tell them they've won the award.

you guys are fantastic. you don't need me or anyone else to tell you that! ^^

4. state 7 thing of yourself.

i am so comfortable with myself, so much infact it's bordering disgusting.
i listen to music and voice. not lyrics.
i love sea, i love beaches, i love the smell of sea in the morning.
i love sunset.
i am almost sure that medicine is not my call, it's just something i had to do i.e ambition, my calling are writing, fashion, colours, and people.
i have a very impressive afro.
i hate small kids who wiggling and crossing your paths at the mall. but i hate their parents more, for not being able to even take care of their sons and daughters of bitches, let them loose like. if it was up to me, those kids would be in dog collar, ftw!

just a little p/s, things are lining up for me sooo well. well, not education-wise, that had been tangling non stop ever since and give up yes i am! but insyaAllah, me going to a vacation for this weekend. just pray nothing will wrong, okay?

2010-04-30T01:16:00.000+07:00

next on coveted glasses

yeah, i got this one already. black rimmed though. i'm looking for the frame so you can put minus lenses on it.

anddd.....aahh, this baby.

wet!

you know what, i started wearing chunky black rimmed nerdy glasses like a year ago, and you know, nowadays i see more and more people embracing the blemishes hiding chunky glasses! love, me=trendsetter. and it gottta be a lot cooler if i could grow a mean moustache, to go with this glasses. ><

and fyi, i need those glasses i wore, because i'm can't see without them. they might be stylish but they are stylish with purposes. who says fashion is useless? ;p

Summer

2010-04-23T00:57:00.000+07:00

We met by chance one summer when I was visiting my grandma. I was a scrawny tall kid, right off the puberty, when it hit the hardest. Pimples and zits were my biggest concern at that moment, and summer heat didn’t make it any better. For most part of the day, I sweated like a pig, and the only relief I have in this remote settlement was an old, dusty electrical fan and juicy cold lemonade my grandma made me every day. If it isn’t because of my parents, I wouldn’t be here. They did this every year; sending off me and my sister for a week “visit” to my grandma’s house, although it was a known secret that they had to get rid of us so they can go on a vacation, just the two of them, to some exotic islands and that kin of places where they served you welcome drinks with little umbrellas on it; and the vacation was for the sole reason to fuck. What amazed me more was how stupid they think we were; they’ll be home a day or two before us, with tanned skins and vacation glow, and act as if nothing happened. And each year, my sister and I would just play along their game, knowingly that our parents are weirder than others, and it would be best to just ignore the obvious. Plus, it would only be heartache to listen to their apologies and probably followed by bizarre stories of their vacation.

One summer afternoon, I was running an errand for my grandmother. The sun hung majestic above my head, the scorching heat burnt my back and radiated even more blistering heat from the gravels. For a person of my age, I was quite tall; they called me skinny Willy, though I believe I am not that tall. I’ve met someone taller than me, actually in my own class, only he was more brawny and muscular. I guess because of my silent appearance, they think it would be okay to call me with names. Either way, I don’t care. All I care right now is to get to the grocery store, get some flour, sugar, eggs and something for myself. Good thing grandma gave me extra change. My sister and grandma would be making pumpkin pie, they said, for some occasion tonight at a neighbor house.

A relief in the form of afternoon breeze swept softly on my face, blowing my hair from side to side. Things looked all beautiful in the summer. The yellowing meadow with patches of greens, the big bold acorn trees by the roadsides provide some kind of shelter from the roasting outdoor and the flowers were overwhelming. If only the weather wasn't this hot, this village could be a real nirvana of calmness and tranquillity. A sleepy neighbourhood, people in the city loved to call. I quickened my steps to the now visible shop, and make a turn into its wooden gate.

As soon as I got inside the store, I make a run to a table fan on the counter, get myself cooled down and to catch my breath. This little shop is the pulsating nerve of this small village. The shop was old, its walls were crusting and the floor croaked beneath your shoes. Summer dust were everywhere on the floor, but none on the shelf. Clearly, Mrs. Brown had done a good job taking care of this place. Mrs. Brown was a middle-aged woman, a Negro grandma said, but she had class unlikely of her people. Grandma once told me that she was married to her master, a white man who was once respected around here but was despised after the marriage. Their marriage wasn’t blessed with a child, and old ladies like grandma called that a curse, that god was angry at them; for tainting the white blood. And for all that matters, Mrs. Brown wasn’t anything like a Negro. She was polite, well-articulated and could count really fast. She’s always smells of jasmine and rose perfume, and her shop smells like newly baked short breads and ginger crumbs.

Behind the counter, through a door, I could see Mrs. Brown helping herself to a glass of cold lemonade, probably to ease down the heat. She threw me a friendly smile and signaled me to help myself to a glass of the very refreshing lemonade. I shook my head no and smiled, then proceeded to the flour shelves.

And there she was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my life, hair illuminated by the sunlight, wearing an almost sheer cotton white yellow summer dress, her skin glows radiantly of the burning heat. She looked at my way and smile. Like the flowers I saw growing on the roadsides, and like the flowers I see on her summer dress, her name was Daisy. And she was as beautiful as a summer day. And that’s how I met my first love.

to be continued...

2010-04-22T02:19:00.000+07:00

i have dreams. a lot of dreams that it is almost impossible to list them all and not missing a single thing.

formspring.me

2010-04-19T00:36:00.001+07:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/AzmanHakim

2010-04-13T02:27:00.000+07:00

if i had to enlist a few teachers that taught me when i was in school, some lots that meant so much to me and because of them i somehow become smarter, it will be a very small number.

i was this very invisible kid in the eyes of the teacher, it wasn't and still isn't in my nature to be shiny shiny apple of teachers' eyes. i did mediocre in exams, my homework were sloppy and my attitude was not the one to be recognized; i wasn't a good student or bad apple. i'm just a regular apple. but among my friend, i was quite prominent.

my science teacher, pn wan mardiana. she taught me from form 1 until form 3. she was a fierce lioness, very strict and did not joke around when it came to education. after all, she was a science teacher; probably the most important subject in, ya know, science schools.

but at many occasions, she was a very kind teacher. among all teachers i had so far, had taught me science of any kind; biology, physics, chemistry, i give my hat off and biggest appreciation to pn wan mardiana. not that i dislike other teachers of mentioned subject; they did rock but this pn wan mardiana rock slightly more than them.

maybe the biggest part of it is contributed by something that happened when i was in form 2. it was 2003. we were at the lab and she quizzed us with a single question and with a correct answer, she'll give rm1o. that's fucking big for a boarding school student at that time. rm10, you can go out on an outing and buy a lot of shits with it. so, the class grew chaotic and each one of us tried to answer the question, which was "why water boiled later in high altitude" or something like that, i don't quite remember it. i shot an answer, it was pretty ridiculous answer if i thought about it now, but it was slightly more accurate than the reat of the class. she, rewarded me rm5.

that was fuckin wow! i was nobody, and she gave me this biggest ego booster of my life at that time. okay, to explain this, i have to tell you that i was in the first class back then. the first class student were selected based on the final exam the year before, about 30 top students were chosen and if my memory serves me right, i was at #28.

so, how much that single giving meant to me? so much. funny how a single, simplest gesture can affects someone so big. since then, i was so hard into any kind of science-cored courses and my basic target for the future was science-based career. maybe she didn't notice this, because there were farrr more better students than me during her tenure in my school, but i will always remember her as the one who jerk me up several floors of my self esteem.

and also, there is one particular teacher that i disliked, not hated(like a particular kemahiran hidup teacher), mr lee. he was a chinese and he taught me english. it was the first test in my second year, form 2, and as i told you, my confidence level was very very low.

so, we were handed our results and i hated this, i hated this when teachers arranged their student papers according to mark. so, i did not expect to be on the top of the pile, of course, but at least in the middle. 10 went, and moving on to 20...i still didn't get my paper.

and yeah, to cut the tension, i will just tell you, that i got the lowest mark...tied with another classmate who sat next to me, and was #29. how funny is that. you see, rankings were fucking big deal, like it defines every perception towards each of these top selected students. and to get marks below average, it's also a fucking big deal.

insults and humiliations were thrown freely after that. i remember how mr lee said, maybe we both aren't qualified...and something about being kampung. seriously, teachers stop labelling you students! fortunately, my english got so much better after that, i never look back.

and to get A1 in SPM's english(though some say easy), was a very sweet deal to me.

there are few other teachers that i love; pn. jamilah, for instilling the love for english in me, pn. nurlina for making add maths became so easy although it isn't now, sir sam for being so strictly fun and boring for others but so lovable so me. oh yeah, sir sam was this chinese dude who were, like any chinese, very punctual, very discipline and very passionate for maths. he was boring to others, but as far as i'm concerned, his method of teaching worked for me.

it seems that i can talk hours and hours about the teachers that hurt me personally, and generally disliked among my peers, so this is evidence to never NEVER hurt your student in a way that would leave them with vengeance for life.

2010-04-12T01:40:00.000+07:00

it is stupid to force yourself to like certain things or people. and in this case, i mean people.

the fact is, there are certain people in this world who were delegated to annoy and irritate people. there are certain people in this world, that despite what people said, you just can read them through their bullshits. there are certain people, act like an ass and deep down, they are truly an ass.

religion, teaches us to think positively of people. how some are managed to do that is still a mystery. if it was to go my way, i think there are bad people in this world, who meant to do you harm and hurt you. God helps us, but how long god's helping hand would extend to us if we don't take better care of ourselves.

i hate someone, today. and yesterday. and probably for eternity; god knows what's in store for me, but i hate him. i regret knowing him. i regret ever spoken to him, i regret ever seen his face. and the thing that i regret the most is to be able to read him like an open book. *does this sound a bit like girly pillow talk? okay...:\*

people change, wound heals, but scars are forever, figuratively. to prove that theory, i have 10cm appendectomy scar across my abdomen.

some things, dissolve by time and the fact that some don't, do not irritate me at all.

and to say to yourself, give the guy some times, he's in a bad place and then you agreed with the fucking idea, and the next thing you know, that guy bit you in your sweaty ass! how on earth, such guy, would deserve my pity.

oh moralist, oh i'm-holier-than-thou fuckers!! i hate moralist, i hate someone come to my face and say, no you are not enough, i know more, i KNOW more, my opinion is right, RIGHT motherfuckers!!!! but then, that is not the issue, it is irrelevant to the topic.

anyway, i spend my leisure time badmouthing the people that i hate, and no, i won't go and sanction my doing, because i enjoyed it so fucking much, i feel a little too hypocritical to apologize.

in fact, i will tell you guys my lifelong secret, i have sixth sense. i can read people, just as soon as i met them. judgemental? maybe. lifesaving? yes. so fuck off my face, please. >:(

2010-04-09T00:59:00.000+07:00

despite everything about indonesia that choking you right in the throat, and figuratively, distressing your lung system, indonesia has a lot of treasure waiting to be found. indonesia, is a beautiful country.

i won't go into a cliche speech of how beautiful, how lucky, how god has blessed this country and so on, so i would go on and explain what i mean.

introducing, pulau karimunjawa, the gem of the sea in erm...i don't quite know what sea it's located. i'm shitty at geography.

nevertheless, this is the next on my list of places to go for vacation with my almost-below-poverty-line allowance. this is a very cheap vacation, but i won't go into details...i don't wanna to jinx the whole excitement. so, i would just put a picture of the said island

see how ridiculously pristine and beautiful the island is? and i believe indonesia got more island as such...and good thing they haven't been found yet. deep in my heart i am thankful development stopped somewhere, they can't cross the ocean(they can but it's expensive)...

you know, i just love seas, oceans, islands and beaches. i just love these watery vacation, and i say if a vacation to jogja, or any capital with no or little beaches, i just don't get so excited like this. or maybe european vacation, it might be fun but hey, asian countries is the best. one of my life's dream is to go on around all asians countries, before going on to european and america.

well, that's when i have pocketful of money and no sponser...geez

for now, dream is enough. :)

2010-04-08T01:56:00.000+07:00

torn.

colorsplash or holga bc?

2010-04-06T15:41:00.000+07:00

after some deliberate consideration, some research, some cursing because goddammit i don't have any money, and then some more price survey, i decided to go with this one.

strangely, i can't find many reviews about colorsplash. oh, this is colorsplash chakra, instead of propped with 4 filter gels(the coloured flash), the chakra edition have 12. colorsplash is well-known for its flash, and not the camera. colorsplash is a bit new compared to other products such as holga, diana, or lc-a.

i can buy diana + and mount it with a coloursplash flash, or i could just go with diana f+.

diana f+ package(flash, color filter, hotshoe adaptor, books??)

and diana gets a lot of recommendations, so does holga. but i don't know, i choose colorsplash because unlike holga or diana, colorsplash is not made of plastic(i hope so). and i know how not neat i am handling electronic stuffs, and i rather go with coloursplash.

with diana, you can just change the lens, so you don't need to buy a fisheye if you want to take fisheye photos, it is practically easy, but you have to buy so many accesories. it is a tough decision.

but i chose colorsplash.

and then i'm gonna get myself a fisheye no 2 and supersampler.

fisheye no 2 with flash

supersampler.

oh those two would follow in a very, very distant future like next year, or next, next year.

do me a fever and please don't tell my sponsor... :p

2010-04-05T01:43:00.000+07:00

vacation, vacation, vacation.

i am sad that our bodies and minds are not like a rechargeable batteries. a few weeks after coming back from bali, i still think that i need a prime vacation, a vacation so relaxing that i can be in a stupor consciousness. i should be pumped after bali but all i'm feeling is craving!

but then i think, you would never have a perfect vacation, because you don't have enough money. you, as in i am. i will never have enough money because all these...are allowance money.(although i am pretty jealous of those india bound student who gets a lot of money and can go on a 21-day vacation all over india, man, i kill if i have to to have a tour around india!)

anyway, my point is, i will start a business. what? is still in progress.

insyaAllah, i will be going to pulau seribu if everything goes smoothly and the plan goes as it should. and by going i mean in probably a month or two, and by the plan i mean the money.

man, i just love sea vacation!

this place...although i strongly believe not this island...this is too fancy. perhaps the neighbouring crappy island....

ahh..this is the boat ride ill be taking

it's 2hour and 15min, no seats, no safety jacket, just you and the dark murky water...to pulau pramuka.

whatever, this is how you mingle with the locals, huh? :)

p/s ops, found the price for above pictured resort...a month worth of my allowance, nope thank you sir!

2010-03-31T14:55:00.001+07:00

From Benjy.

Speak With Me.

March 26, 2010 22:43

by Elza Irdalynna

On March 11th, he was arrested at his apartment’s parking lot in Segambut. Police brought him to an apartment he rented in Kepong, and after entering, claimed that in that residence, he possessed 800grams of cocaine, and 140grams of methamphetamine, and accused him of processing and trafficking, putting him under the risk of being charged under Section 39B, which carries the death penalty.

On March 12th he was remanded for 7 days. When my parents inquired if we can engage a lawyer, the Investigation Officer told us “No need”.

On March 17th, after our family waited more than an hour, we were allowed to see him for the very first time, under supervision.

Again my mother asked if we should get him a lawyer, again the I.O advised against it, claiming “Lawyer tak boleh buat apa-apa sekarang. Buang duit je. (Lawyer can’t do anything now. It’s simply a waste of money).”

On March 18th, his remand was extended another 7 days. The magistrate inquired why there was no lawyer present for him, and whether he was made aware he had the right to a counsel of his choice. He replied “No.” Therefore, he requested for one, and only nine hours later, did the I.O call to inform my mother, who promptly engaged Amer Hamzah Arshad.

But the very next day, the police used their Executive authority under Section 28A that vetoed his right to a counsel. All requests made by our lawyer to visit him was denied.

Only after we complained to SUHAKAM, did the police allow Amer to visit him.

On the last day of his remand.

After the investigations were concluded.

For only 15 minutes.

On March 25th, he was brought to court, and charged under Section 12(2) for possession of 0.24grams of metaphetamin in his Segambut residence. Nothing the police claimed they found in the Kepong residence, the cocaine and shabu that was “already packaged to be distributed” or the so called “cocaine processing mini-lab” was brought to court.

Because there WAS none.

He was released on bail. A trial date was set. He was so close to being free, and seeing his 4 year old son again.

But as he was signing the papers of his release, the Plainclothes were outside waiting.

Not two steps after he came out of the bail department, without any explanation, they re-arrested him. Amer was restrained from protecting him, and only after Amer repeatedly asked them to show their I.D, did they do so. Still, no explanation was given to the family. We were merely told to go to the Headquarters and speak to Inspector Kang. The same guy who claimed my brother possessed the cocaine they NEVER found.

He never saw us, he was “in a meeting.” He wasn’t too occupied to give the press a statement, but was unavailable to see us.

We were told by the new I.O for this case, and the DSP (the guy who signed the papers denying my brother the right to a counsel) that they are detaining him for 60 days under the Special Preventive Measures Act (LPK), after which, they could further detain him for 2 years if found guilty.

Guilty according to THEM. For under this act, it is a detention without trial, like the Internal Security Act. Any information gathered from “witnesses” and “investigations” will never be disclosed to him or his lawyer, or the court. He will also not be able to defend himself against any allegations. Under this act, he will never have his day in court.

On March 25th, my brother, Ben, was denied his Constitutional rights.

For 2 weeks, our family went through hell. Sleepless nights, press waiting outside our door, Ben had asthma attacks after the police delayed themselves in acquiring the requested medication for 3 days, mama suffered chest pains and lost her voice.

We felt it was all worth it, for we would be able to have him back.

But now, a new nightmare has begun.

Whether or not Ben is guilty, should not be for the Police to decide. If they HAD the evidence to strengthen their warrant for re-arrest, why was it not brought to court? Why is Ben not given a chance to defend himself? How can we ever know the authenticity of these so called witnesses and their statements? If there were ANY to begin with?

Under this act, I could simply be caught for any crimes of drug offences the police accuse me of, because they can claim they have enough information (even if they have absolutely nothing) and detain me. For 60 days, for 2 years, and even EXTEND it after.

Acts like this and the ISA are licenses for ARBITRARY arrest and detention. Anytime. Anywhere. Anybody.

My family and Amer will not back down. We will fight for Ben’s right. We will speak up for all of those who were silenced before us, who will be silenced hereafter.

But we seek your help. In any way at all, help us fight this. Re-post this, write on your blogs, write to your local representative, to our newspapers, and together we shall use our voice, our art, our space, to stand up not just for Ben, but for all our rights.

Liberty is a Constitutional right. It’s time to get it back.

2010-03-31T00:52:00.000+07:00

*drool...*

i don't know the fuck about lomography but these are coolness. i probably buy the cheapest one anyway....

elaun!!!

2010-03-30T02:49:00.000+07:00

so, i was a bit sexist a few posts back. i am sorry, i was a jerk. i was so not in the mood, and things like that just came out flowing like rain in a plastic cup.

see, i can be very tolerant to many things, like i don't care, or be very open to anything you said...but when it comes to issues like

twilight, justin bieber, and some other things...

okay, okay

i usually lost my stance.

it's just...sometimes the crappy thing in life comes in obvious disguise, you would just know. but then they there are a large group of blind kids that sort of an army of shrieking zits and hormones and their aim is to convert you to be one of their zombie obsession.

nah...maybe they should just shut up. i love hannah montana but do i tell people to like them as well? no.

can't you see? you are being forced to like these people. they used almost anything to overshadow the shittiness of the product. all they need is to start a frenzy.

"hey, justin bieber is so cute"

"really?...i don't think so.."

"so do i, but everyone says so, so i just you know...put bieber as my last name"

"omg you are totally a genius!! i love justin, her voice is so dreamy i'm gonna marry him and have a lotsa midget children omfg"

"you slutty bitch, he's mine!!!!"

but what they don't know is, when you use this strategy, it's gonna backfire really hard. look at jonas brothers, hannah montana, twilight, justin bieber...

for every one person liked them, three others would hate them with all their heart. and just so you know, god kills a kitten for every fan they have.

just saying..

duhhhh...

2010-03-28T00:26:00.000+07:00

i started to see a pattern here. lot of my posts were done when it's very very close to exam day.this is something to be stopped. well, i write because this keep my sanity intact, but on the other hand it is another way to fail a semester.

anyway, so as i was reading the handouts, i was focused but the evil seducing power of the internet got the best of me. i stumbled upon a blog of a friend of mine, which is nice and all colourful. but i can't help but sometime feel like they write about you, you know...or maybe it's just one of those situation best described as "sapa makan cili dialah yang terasa pedasnya"...(man i got crappy skill untuk tulis bahasa malaysia formal...huhu)

so, it was something about usrah. usrah is something that is done since i was in school, only in school it was heavily enforced but in universities, it is up to you. usrah is done in every institute, if you have muslim students, you will have usrah. it is a very good thing, that we know when people say there is no hope for today's youth, there they are.

i know it's not my place to say anything about usrah, or people who attend them...but i think i have to say something, but i mean this in a very good way.

i actually feel envy of these kind of people. they're so devoted, they do this thing sincerely, diligently without compromising. that's a point of being passionate. i am passionate at some things like tv shows, music, writing(sometime)...but i just haven't got the passion for usrah. also the patience. but seeing these people, i feel jealous.

it's not like i've never been in an usrah before, but it was different when i was 13 or 15 than when i am now 21. back then, i could say that i haven't seen the world...i mean i googled for "nama Allah di awan" or on stones or on fishes etc, and i believe it, it was good enough for me. not that they weren't true but as i grew up, i realized there is more than that. there is more than God's greatness on inanimate objects to be seen and you know, i got shaky. not to mention i wasn't a keen follower in the first place.

maybe i'm making excuses or maybe i just try to rationalize why i cannot see myself in usrah. i don't know how to say this...perhaps it is best to say that it is not the usrah, it's me. i'm in the wrong place. and i needed to find the right way, but i can't do it with usrah.

this...somehow makes me feel guilty. but i was in a session long ago, and it was torture. i felt like i wasn't myself. i cannot tell the people how i felt, or what was my concern, or what were my questions. it was like being forced to look to a single pinpoint beam of light, it was almost like your thoughts were arranged according to a programming book, and so. a friend asked something and he was pinned down hard...for having different thought. i have to pretend to just endure the process. and if i still want to go through with this thing, i cannot pretend that i liked it, so i stopped. so that's why i always amazed for those yang endured usrah. i have different opinion, i can reason but i doubt these people would take it in a good way.

i see how sometimes religious people can't keep their head when things go differently. they preach peace and all, but when the real thing comes, they lost it. i also see religious zealots, who can't stop blaming the jews and the christians. a naquib once told me the story of how a christian pilgrim berdakwah to people, and how a muslim almost beat him up. and i thought to myself, why did he need to be beaten? we did the same thing! we berdakwah openly, why can't they. in upm, they got church...so is this a faulty? in upm got mosques also, so do we protest when muslims in western countries being discriminated? freemason, illuminati? do we really need these...are we muslim are that weak, so we will believe any theories that seem to make sense of our weakness?? christians, jews, buddhas, hindus believe different god...so does that make them wrong, or just different?

so is usrah for all, i seriously don't think so. if you change the name, called it something else when the pengisian are all the same, i don't think it will work. "when people dengar the word usrah, they got scared, they think ini untuk orang2 alim saja". well, that is a very wrong perception of usrah...but have you seen your usrah group recently?

maybe i am wrong, i think i am wrong but i also think that an opinion is an opinion, even when it's go against your belief, and it deserved justification.

maybe in the future, my heart would open for these things but for now, i don't think i'll fit in. oh and btw, i like this post.(now if we all can accept opinion like this in every thing, seperti dalam buku teks...selagi tidak melanggar hukum agama)

2010-03-27T00:06:00.000+07:00

i have an exam on monday. so, as usual, i spent this very last critical days rummaging my laptop for things i didn't even meant to do like renaming my videos, deleting trashes and watching old videos; and the good ol' facebooking. my pile of books and handouts sit silently on my bed beside me as we speak. if i were them, i cry.

so i was arranging my picture folders, and know what, i realized i don't have any picture of my parents. i do have some picture of their hands, or from a side, but a really nice proper picture, no. it kinda funny. also, i think i've dedicated a post about how i don't have any picture of me when i was a baby, or a small kid; not that i know of. i do have this one picture of me, i think i was 10years old. it was a thin and frail looking me on a swing. haha.

my parents' hands. last raya.

not that it was wrong to not have any picture of your parents or you-kid; we were too poor to even own a camera.

anyway, i love my family. we might be at times dysfunctional, lacking everything normal family should have and all, but i still love this havocball of a family.

one thing i enjoyed so far is, the freedom my parents gave me. i make my own decision since the minute i chose to go into boarding school. i still remember vividly how that sacred afternoon when the postman came to our house. if it wasn't for any formal, thick enveloped letter, postman won't come to houses to hand the letter privately; we had a public mailbox near the mosque.

so i kinda anticipating the letter for a while( i was 5as student, from a secluded village, and came from a poor family...even i knew i deserve a break from the government), and i couldn't express how happy i was. that aside, after a while, my parents asked me seriously if i wanted to go. and it is my own decision to make. i told them i take the offer.

and since then, i've been managing my own life. i got an offer letter from mrsm langkawi for a sponsorship, that while i was already a month in the school, i had to decline the offer. again, it was my word to let it go. and all the years in that school, my parents did monitored my marks and all, but that was that. i didn't get any scolding(mainly because my mark was good, WAS) , whatsoever. this scholarship, i did the researches and surveys...all on my own. i even took bus to go some places and some meetings to send the applications.

oh, i applied for mrsm as well as sbp after upsr, and i did it on my own. that was when i was 12, took bus to temerloh, about 45minutes from my house by bus. i remember i have to go to mara office back and forth for 3 consecutive days to send the applications. that is one of the thing i proud of; because i know how some parents do everything for their kid, even filling the forms...i know this when i was in school.

i failed to pass the cutoff point for alevel(fuh, that is hard to say...glad now i have gotten over it), my parents didn't say any word. all they say was, it is up to you. it has always been like that...all my life. and in some twisted way, i love them for that.

although once i thought i was abandoned because my parents ignorance, but one day i found that it wasn't ignorance; they are worried sick about me at times, but they don't want to mess with my way of life. faith, maybe? no, that's too strong of a word. it's more of "let's see how he handles this crap".

so, when people said things like "ingatlah mak ayah, hadiahkan mereka kejayaan" and as such, it don't work for me. because i know if whatever happens, they will always there for me. if one day i destined to go cuckoo and went mad, they will be there for me. do i owe them for the things i have today? hell yeah, i do! but if something goes wrong, i know i won't disappoint so much of anyone but myself, and they will be there for me, too.

we are not the same person, we are totally different, but i love them with all my heart.

my parents are different than other people's parents, their method on us might be a little off, but love them, yes we are.

me and my sister. i'm gonna write something about her later. this was taken last raya, i was wearing headscarf because i was making lemang, so don't judge me. this picture was when she was a virgin, haha, before the marriage last december.

p/s pictures DO speak thousands words. :)

2010-03-21T02:34:00.000+07:00

okay, recently i'm in no mood to you know, be the pussy i was and listen to what my girl's friends are talking.

at some point, all i hear was yak yakkity yak, wak wak wak, blah blah blah and so on. god knows i talk much...ah fuck it, i just hate listening to the same crash and burn story girls tell you each time they have problem with a man.

as much as girls like to see them as in power, they got to admit that you girls are easily tamed by the power of majestic dick; sorry i'm being rude but that is the truth. i HATE it when girls tell each other lies to feel safe, to feel comfort...like he still loves you, he now realize how he misses you. what the fuck do you know about that?

they asked for your opinion. you, as a male person, knows very well how a male human's mind work. want to know the secret? yes i will tell you.

WE DON'T CARE. unlike all women believe, men think simple things. WE DON'T. the only reason why you female think like that is because we want to. we, with all our intelligence and might, try hard as fuck not to include you girls in any of our business and mind....and as graceful as you are, you think men are useless...just because they don't think of you.

see, you girls need to stop think man as uber stupid and primitive, to gain yourselves respect. the faster you realize that in order to be equal, you have to respect each other not demand of equality. show men all over the world that you can be as frightening, can be as bold!

congratulations man all over the world, we've made it

you know what girls need to realize? that man could live without them. yes, they do. it will be too difficult but they, will, carry on. that is the main point. so stop believing that a man misses you so much, yes he might do, but he'll move on, if you're unlucky, to another girl.

when a man start eyeing other girl, DON'T EVER BE THE SAVIOUR OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP. please don't be noble and believe that the love you felt was real. for man, love is very confusing, they can multiple in very short periods, and they can gone with the wind in a blink of an emu's eye.

STOP BELIEVING IN YOUR MAN AS IF HE IS THE ONE. there is NO THE ONE. there is only the one available right now, hello, it's your hormone speaking, you fucking need to find a man, settle down or your eggs will dwindling and i'll go menopause rage...yes, my dear, whoever will do. there, your the one.

and stop picking rare stories of your friends or friends of friends or so about every girl's dream guy. they aren't exist. your dream guy poops and pees and stinks, and they are rare species...god knows if they exist!!!

i can talk more but i can't because i just so fucking mad right now.

urghhh...i'm having my man period!

the reason why i'm posting this because you, YOU, female creatures that brought the world-end catastrophe that is Justin Bieber, and Twi-fucking-light and bad driving and suju and all gay vampires to this world. yeah i'm a sexist, for now, whateverwhocaresnoonethankyou!

2010-03-20T00:59:00.000+07:00

I am too tired of girls, woman, sandwich maker, whatever you called them.

they nag and complain and get mad and then nag some moarr, and the circle never ends.

if you roam the blogosphere, you will notice. most nagging and complaints are about man.

man no do house chores.

man no respect woman.

man no value.

woman champion FTW.

man useless, woman suffer.

for once i will say, can you ladies stop playing the victim card...and do what you were supposed to do. be a woman. man, be a man. there's a limit lah, to woman...accept that and live with it.

why woman complains the toilet seat is up, duhh...put it down yourselves. see..easy!

urghhh...man just don't have the energy to bother. you, woman, understand where men stand too, don't just throw your accusation around and oversimplifying.

the problem with 21st century woman is, that they think they have overpowered man. if so, then prepared to live a spinster life and be done with it, bitch.

2010-03-19T12:51:00.000+07:00

Autofiction.

The sudden surge of noise unusual from before awakes me. Although it has been pretty usual from a class of intellectual doctors hopeful to be this noisy, I feel uncomfortable; not that it has been comfortable before, but now it is more than the usual. The crowded class has really taken a toll to my delirium existence caused by lacking sleep the night before, and like any other boys in colleges where they got no parents or authorities to regulate them regularly, I got internet to blame. It has been 2 years of late night sleep, unhealthy very late night supper which is now on record for the latest snack is 4.30 am, and very damaging habits of rummaging the internet with the curious claws of my hands. Proudly, I could say I have found many things you cannot imagine ever existed; shady websites, evil writings, disturbing photos; things that’ll freak you out. As a result, I hardly surprised by anything anymore, I’ve seen it all.

The class grow noisier and noisier. My ipod has been put to almost maximum volume since the lecturer from before started opening his mouth. My ipod lost to this unanimous noise. Strangely, I did not feel irritated or annoyed by the sound. Maybe a bit but not so much that I really bother. I have grown and got used to it. Misery does have its ways of keeping you at bay of his reality; by making you accustomed to it. I think of what a pity that I have to get used to what is to be called in the most sugarcoating and polite words; no fucking place to study. The Smith’s Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want is playing, and my mind flew to the movie 500days of summer. It was a really good movie, but it is sad that I have no companion or a friend to talk about movies nowadays. The only one I got is an anonymous friend from facebook, and I wonder how many wonderful things facebook has brought us. The older generation is chiefly jealous by this. When they were our age, they have pen and paper to write, quill or pigeons. We can write on walls, read feedback and spend hours of should be productive time taking care of our virtual farm. Facebook totally rules and will be written on the next textbooks as main recorder of history.

The 5 or 10 minutes before the next lecture is heaven for most of us, though some still flipping the pages of the study booklets and read whatever conundrums we are supposed to learn. Not to mention the mountains of handouts and yet, the test answers were not taught in class. I was one of those losers; or achievers, whatever you called them depending, no one cares. I read excessively, I sigh at things I didn’t read and I got jealous if my friends read more than me. Really, how stupid is that to be jealous of something people suffered. I still am jealous if my classmates read more than me. No, not jealous. It’s more of insecurity, of afraid to be less smart than others. Aren’t we all? It’s the paranoia of losing, the mental of men. Everybody loves a winner, but just how much precious is others’ loves? At the end of the day, when you are alone in your room, stripped off of your clothes and uniform, you are nothing more than a hollow case of a soul. And when that happens, the only love you need is from yourselves. Fuck winning, I can lose as much as I want, I can failed as many times as i can, but no one can judge me. I, too, cannot tell people of these thoughts because no one likes a miserly thoughts. But then, I don’t really care.

I look to my side and there’s my good female friend, Dell. She’s nagging about how her skirt is soaked wet by the water bottle I spilled earlier. We’ve been friends for several years now, and though it isn’t longer than my high school friends whom I really really miss right now, we’ve been through many things together; bitter things. And I am happy that we managed to keep this platonic relationship, we are practically brother and sister. Maybe this world, people are created by such labels; you know…if God has human-producing factory which he made people and send them out to this world, they are labeled and the quest is to find the one that fits you just right. Or maybe we are a fragment of a whole thing; then the thing is snapped into two, or three, or four or hundreds. I read somewhere that Eve is made of Adam’s rib, though the logic isn’t there, but so does our existence. We are bound to not know. Some believe it’s love when they found the pieces and put them together, but I believe there are more than love, more than feelings that can glued people together. It can be almost anything. Misery, for example, loves company. And Dell and I, are series of misery of miserable lives of two people, who happened to know each other.

The throng of student rushes through both the front doors steals my attention. My eyes wilder, looking for any sign of the old wrinkly Prof. Seuss outside the door or if he's already on the front table. He is a small man after all, I probably missed him. He is supposed to give lecture for the next period. He’s not there, he might be incoming. Friday on My Mind by The Easybeats drums in my ears, reminding me that this is Monday, the hateful Monday. The professor must be on his way, since the horde of students from outside has already missing into their seats. The scorching heat of 150 people crammed into a small barn of a shithole gives you that effect; sleepiness, drowsiness, of do not care the hell what the lecturers saying. Prof. Seuss begins his poorly built slide shows, and the class is reduced to silence. The only sound left is of people flipping pages, and snores. I, too, opened my book to so-so chapter, and plunge my head onto the opening of the book. As I close my eyes, the song blaring in my ears, and I think that I will sleep for 3more years, until all of these ended.

“Monday morning feels so bad
Everybody seems to nag me
Coming Tuesday I feel better
Even my old man looks good
Wednesday just don't go
Thursday goes too slow
I got Friday on my mind”

*Autofiction combines two paradoxically contradictory styles: that of autobiography, and fiction(wikipedia). tried my hands on short story, so this is unrelated to any real life character. resemblance, however, is inevitable.

2010-03-17T01:26:00.000+07:00

bitch.

hey have you heard of justin bieber? no? GOOD. don't.

why i hated the guy? cause he suck. he sounds nothing like a boy, even boyish girl. his songs are generic, and he's like what, 7years old?

and his hair is crap. really, his mom hated him that much? what, did you blow your hair from your back? sheesh..

you know, i really concern what our youths watch and listen to nowadays. first twilight then this?

both are really stink in any majestic scale.

2010-03-15T14:11:00.000+07:00

bali was awesome and splendid. turns out, it was all that i need all these times, a nice detox and change of pace from what i'm doing right now.

and the post-vacation syndrome, which you'll see sands everywhere in your room, sometimes you swear you still hear the sound of waves crashing on the shore over the sound of your exhaust fan, and you are longing for the hot, burning afternoon along the beach with sands in your butt crack.

tranquillity achieved. need to tell people about it? no, or either i will be like trying to convince people who sometimes, just love to ruin good things.

2010-03-08T14:52:00.000+07:00

this is a blessing of all i've been through. a piece of heaven in the island of god; bali. i love the feeling of planning, thinking and preparing for a vacation. the adrenaline rush, the anticipation, the fantasy of how's it gonna be, the feeling is priceless! and such feeling will lasted with the memory you will bring back to your normal hustler.

before i go for a nice detox and eye-pleasure, i read newspaper. as always, politic bummed me out. the oscar has its verdict and i say i'm happy with the winners, and the new semester is about to begin next week. but that's that. for now, i packed them all nicely in a little box, crammed them hard, and put it in the darkest corner under my bed.

sand and beaches are the best, bitches!

i'm going on a vacation! 8)

2010-03-07T19:08:00.000+07:00

as much as i love going to bali, which is tomorrow, i miss malaysia so much. there's so many things in malaysia you can love, yet when you leave indonesia, you can't help but longing for the polluted air and hustle bustle of this dump of a city. i guess that's how it rolls, that if you hate a place so much you're gonna grow out to love it.

one of the things i miss about malaysia is the food. most of them are clean, i tell ya! yeah, yeah, cane me if you disagree but i bet those side road warong are far cleaner than fancy restaurants you have here. and the food are more in variety, and in short, sooo much better!

i found these pictures on a blog through googles, here. this picture was taken at pasar ramadhan. yum, shall we?

oh the torture! look at that bandung cincau. will be so much better if they add soda. there was this stall in pasar ramadan bbbs sepang that sells mean bandung cincau. yum!

oh give me this longkang infesting catfish with chillies anytime, as long as it caught and cooked in malaysia!

my, my. murtabak! i miss my father's murtabak! huhu, sad hungry face~

see, i tell ya, our food is better. no joke, food here are all tasted the same!

excuse me i have to wipe the drool off my keyboard, thank you.

oh my good, you internet you evil monster! why you do this to me??

that's why tourists flocking to our country, folks! the food. and that is also why the citizens are fat fat ma...:p

2010-03-05T02:26:00.000+07:00

BAAAHAHAHAAA.

2010-02-26T21:23:00.000+07:00

i had a lot of things and ideas to talk about but just when i am prepared in front of my laptops, it all gone to ashes. one reason it is because right now i'm super duper busy pretending to be busy, yeah, and another one is because i cannot wait till it's 8th march! but till then, i gotta work hard for this coming exam or i'm gonna have 6months extra...you guys all know what it means, you should if you were a student.

and i've been saying this for a while, that i need a vacation and a break, so yes i'm getting one. fuck yeah!

i'm going to bali this 8th march and will be back in jakarta by 13th. it feels so good that i can throw all my problems away for alittle while, though they were chiefly remain unsolved, but erm, fuck em! haha

oh to mention how are my situation with me will be going to a vacation(i love this word...VACATION!!!), i have no money to even buy tickets, my allowance were to sustain me for 3months and right now my balance barely sustain me for a month. let that be aside, and just, JUST go! omg i'm so happy right now, it almost unreal.

allow me to say it again; VACATION!! and it's bali, the heaven, the hell-heaven...lol, omg i'm so excited i think i just had a small stroke just now!

things in check; bermuda pants, sleeveless tshirts, lotsa short pants, eyeglasses, sunglasses, straw hat, enthusiasm, the right attitude and a lot of fun!!!!

2010-02-20T00:27:00.000+07:00

you know, facebook not always all trashy and spamming invitations. or mean of getting revenge for your exes, it sometimes do wonder things. like this quiz i'm took, and i say it was a very good one..

Dear Azman Hakim, below are your Personality Tests result:

Who is your true self: You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.
Your view on yourself:
You are intelligent
Honest
Sweet
You are friendly to everybody
Don't like conflict
Because you're so cheerful
Fun people are naturally attracted to you
Like to talk to you
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking:
You like serious
Smart
Determined people
You don't judge a book by its cover
So good-looking people aren't necessarily your style
This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person
And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person
The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships
Aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like
If you meet the right person
You will fall deeply
Beautifully in love
Your views on education:
Education is very important in life
You want to study hard
Learn as much as you can
The right job for you:
You're a practical person
Will choose a secure job with a steady income
Knowing what you like to do is important
Find a regular job doing just that
You'll be set for life
How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure
Scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed
Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous
What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of things that you cannot control
Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel

most of it are true. all of it. "Scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed". duh! i let go my dreams ain't i?

i'm gonna churn out a photoshop out of this, just wait. hehe

2010-02-19T05:35:00.000+07:00

kinda miss you guys.

hey a friend of mine is in icu for hyperglycaemic and typhoid fever. please pray for her safety, she underwent a surgery to retain normal pH for her body. she's a great friend and that's why all the loves keep pouring for her to be back as healthy as she were.

and when this kinda thing happens, makes you wonder all the time you've lost contact with your friends and suddenly the unexpected happened. well, it's true what people said; there is two things in the world that bring people together; misery and happiness.

lots of love for aiza amirah.

2010-02-18T21:46:00.000+07:00

come! hehe. dah lama tak buat makan2 ramai2 heheh

2010-02-17T21:46:00.000+07:00

just get me through this.

2010-02-10T07:44:00.000+07:00

hi everyone. how is it, now that i'm practising bright and shiny in my life, so does for the tone of my writing, do you like me better? what? well, i really don't care what you are thinking, but thanks anyway.

i wish to bid farewell to some of my friends that will be back to Malaysia this weekend or in a week or so, just remember to remember me, all alone in my room, in the darkness, in a foreign city, without any companion, and anything could happen...well, i'm sure gonna be fine! so don't worry about me(as if)! :)

wow, smiley faces DO work to make you look bright and shiny. here's some more. :)

i'm thinking of going to a vacation just as soon as i finished the papers, though i will be alone, i have a plan and i got a companion to accompany me to my vacation! yay! although at this point i am not exaggerating if i say fuck my life, i try to filter the negatives out and let the positives in.

and i promise to myself to make a travel-report entry. yes, i read some such entry in a blog and it seems fun, though i'm lacking skill to story-tell about almost anything, in any language. you should meet me, i'm terrible at speech, either explaining or telling stories.

okay, so i promise to make an travel-report entry!

also i'm got a mission to find a piping bag for my cousin. what's a piping bag? yeah, exactly my response. it turns out piping bag is the bag used by bakers to carve the icing on the cake. wow, one more knowledge point! *smiley face*

piping bag. she wants it transparent...

why am i telling you this? i don't know why. am i turning into one of those bloggers who talks nothing important and things that well, no one concern of? good lord, i am!

so, to avoid the worst, i will say about one issue so it will seem that as if this entry isn't meaningless.

i hate when people blame everything on the west. i hate it even more when they say this is all part of a propaganda, or doctrine injected into the young minds of our country. when in fact we always gotta choice. also, i found somewhere, a malaysian site, showing a picture of us army jetting off to iraq to fight the war. and most of the comments there are "lagi bagus kalau semua mati", or "ini semua masuk neraka ini!". i think this is unfair! yes, i pity those soldiers who probably doing that for the money, or because the government force them to. a person dead is a person dead. be it american or iraqi. a soul lost, a life taken. and to say the western medias are evil corporations, when you muslims have no soul or pity in your heart!

i think we muslims especially malays are too long being pampered with the idea of superiority, be it because of our race or our religion, we think we are the upper hand. no wonder some people blame religions for all the world's misery. *not smiley face*

well my fellow muslims, it just the matter of watching your language and manners, that's all, if you can keep your head when your belief is threatened, then you'll show them what being a person of faith is all about.

2010-02-08T23:45:00.000+07:00

lol! too funny. more dan piraro works on bizarro, go to bizarrocomic.blogspot.

2010-02-05T02:05:00.000+07:00

hey guys! is it okay if i'm adressing to you as if you are in a large number of readers though i know there are only two of you that is me and my NEW spectacles, or some other people that i believe read my blog because either a)you got nothing better to do, or b) you search for ultimate downfall and reached one or c)refer to number one and two, combine it.

i just finished reading some of my older entries, and wow, was i a whining little bitch! i mean if i 'accidentally' invented a time travel machine, i would travel back to the time and just go face-to-face with me and say just suck it up and shut your shithole up! not that i'm done whining though, you gotta give yourself a little work in the future, do you? by the way, hey...! why don't you guys tell me that i whined a lotttttt??

i realized that i once wrote in english, and then i tried my hands to type(yes, TYPE not WRITE) in malay, and then i got into the greyest spot that is bahasa rojak...and man, i have to say i am most comfortable to write in english.

i know i am pretty much inadequate in this language but i think it is better to just be able to do/type what i love to say, and not to chasing the approvals of the people. that, my friend, is liberation. to know the only person i need his approval is myself.

and i also have to say, i'm not too bad of a writer. ha! i mean i read my older posts and some of them i hate it very much i wanna take a cat, raise him to love me, and them dump him beyond a dumpster somewhere. but also there are so many posts that i like, and that feeling of me approved of me, can only be described as feeling of a teacher marking his student's papers and found a perfect 100% paper. congratulations!

oh, don't say i'm snobbish because i like my own writing, you do that too don't you. no? if you like what you wear and you think you're pretty innit, or you got good marks in an exam and you think you soooo deserved it? that's a bit narcissistic, isn't it? if yes, welcome to the club. also, i very much in need of push and love in these trying times, and who else to do all that jobs beside me, right?

love, please come, please come and surround me and guide me through this ordeals.

2010-02-03T12:26:00.000+07:00

watched the 52nd grammy awards recently, well only a bit of it. if you people know me well, i love watching the red carpet of these events, well i've always had a thing for fashion business, i even considered it seriously before i figure out, if victoria beckham can design a fashion line without even really going into school for that, i might able to just wing it! yeah?

anyways, my red carpet moments of commenting the dresses, jumpsuits and shoes were totally ruined when i see this...

i mean, what the fuck lady gaga??? you know, that dress might just work IF you lose the erm, eye-poking brain-stabbing fatal-endangering what-the-hell on your hand and wear different hairdo than that stripper-candy-out-of-work hairdon't! and that heel-less hoof? you just cross the line bitch, that's abomination. FUCK YOU lady gaga!

i know her songs can be catchy. poke her face, papa roxy and all, but sometimes a man gotta do what a man gotta do. to hire someone to kill her, rape her corpse, hack her body and spread it across 7states so her soul won't ever be back to haunt humanity. she startled us mankind when she first employed from the planet RX7-E5-WTFXX to study the earth cultures and obsession towards music, she learnt the first thing and that is to...not wearing pants???

that's in london. during autumn. hey space-lings, i know we earthlings seem bizarre at most time with our habit of stuffing things into the hole on our face but then throw it back out of the back-hole(though the colours have changed) but not wearing pants is a bit over the top for us, don't you think. and to think how easily she could get infection from those tight bikinis and fishnet stocking, half portion of her record's money would easily go to cure the infections and blisters. ouch!

okay, jokes aside. lady gaga is talented, but why she had to go and weird everything out. it shadows her vocal, people just hate her and want to stab the TV and throw it off 2nd floor when she's on. seriously. and if you think the no1 dress is shocking enough, wait till you see what she wore next.

holy shit!! that is one sore va-jay-jay! and is that a telltale sign of yeast infection on her hips? wow you can really see the brazzilian wax and the pores of her pubes, yuck!! and oh this doesn't distract from the fact that baffled almost every living person (and fairies) around the world, what in rob pattison name (get it? sparkles! haha. no?) is she wearing? seriously, describe that er, bikini? top? and to know that one sparkling mickey mouse died for that get up. oh i got a call, the cullens called, the want their sparkle dust back lady fuckyou-ga.

oh she hasn't finished yet, you wish she had but not till you see...THIS!

ouch! you can see that guy behind is totally worried and exasperated by the tower in front of him. i can imagine the guys already drafted several wills for his lawyer in case that headgear she stole from the ice queen in narnia stab his brain. and the girls behind hers you can see are already cowering in fear and just packed their fancy handbags to run, RUN bitches, run!! and that old man is her hostage. seriously, this is true. lady gaga did kidnap an old man to be her escort during the show, and the old man's family never heard of them ever since. investigation is underway, and police thought they, too, haven't heard from the investigators ever since. coinky-dink? you hope.

lady gaga, fuck YOU!!! DIE PLEASE!

you know it's the end of the world when your wallpaper can walk and collect the awards for you. also, eminem knows this and it will go into his next album, well, if we still live then.

you know, maybe lady gaga tried to live on the identity of being weird and eccentric, but somehow things will go wrong someday aite?

pictured: victory to gravity for mankind over ridiculousness.

oh, it did. snap! well gag-a, it is not surprising now if someday you wear garbage bag as your outfits...oh no you did??

that's it. i'm giving up!

2010-01-31T02:59:00.000+07:00

more random things. exam is still on monday, so my prayers for the exam to be postponed went to drain, FML.

1. i'm a stress eater. i ate a lot today, and tonight. i mean A LOT that if i tell you, you'd be "holy bazongga, that's loadshits of eating and pooping!". eating resolves my brain, although my intestines are ready to burst and i will suffer peritonitis, which could be fatal, my brain was all like "do anything else other than open the book...c'mon", damn he's persuasive!

looks like i'm losing the battle. here i am writing in this iBlog(ha!)...

2. this city sucks. Jakarta. sucks. i don't encourage hating, there's too much of it nowadays, so better if we spread more love (yes i'm talking to you, the i-hate-celebrity's name-facebook-page's creator!). so i don't see the point of people go all rage-fest on the internet bashing indonesians and stuffs, BUT if you lived here, you earned the right by law.

interesting? yes. it's like citizenship, you born or you live long enough in a certain place, you are eligible for permanent resident status. me and my friends have gone through a lot of bullshits things in this country, unlike those people on the internet they literally monkeys, they knew nothing.

i can list thousands of ridiculous thing about this place but i won't because it won't do any good.

3. you open your facebook, and you see someone writes LiKEs ThIS. i mean wow, how long does it takes to write a full sentence with a finger pressing the ctrl button all the time. that is RETARDED! stop writing like that. you're not a 3rd grader, you're not cute either so don't try to. also in list if people write distortedly spelled word like jew, tuw, bowing, nantok, etc. seriously, it doesn't take an iota of your dying brain cells to process the word and translate it into screen.

"yaRk.. AKo BeNci GiLa dGn pOmpUan ni.. PeRampaS.. Kesian Kt kAk aBBy... BeNci2..." - courtesy of i hate memey suhaiza group. hey, love not hating!

god, why do they even spent their precious time to write like that? i mean how do you even chose which letter to capitalize, which letter to small(ize?)? baffled!

4. i am annoying. so if you can't stand me, i prefer to be alone, talking to myself, all the meantime before someone take me to a mental institution. actually i'd love that, i'll get a shrink and i can talk as long as i want about things with them. erm...

5. i probably die alone and in misery, with litter of cats that are so many of them, if you shave their fur you can make fur coats enough for every poor person in a small country. well, if i manage to pass through this and be a doctor(chances are slim though...), i'd be alone, in misery and half-rich.

that's sound just right actually.

6. the turbulences in our country is perpetual to the decreasing support from the people for the government. there's a connection to that? i don't know, connect the dots maybe we can find something. honestly, i don't believe in any preachers no more, be it politicians or some ustazs. when these people do mostly just to degrade you(especially religious lots), what is religious about that. also if you used the holy word of god for when it is convenient to you(i.e in a gossip site where your favourite artists are being vandalized), then also there is nothing good about. in a way, you are just the same.

what more if one is the combination of those two (politicians and religious people). never believe this kind of people, they are paid-by-word people, every single word uttered out of their lying lips in paid by certain individual or organization that have the importance in some matters.

also if you are defending your have-said religion, by insulting other religions, you are reflecting your religion not just yourself. so, if you feel anger so much it burnt your inside not to forget your calories, just sink it low and let it slide. remember, the reputation that being put on table isn't just yours, but also your belief. what is your first impression of a person said mean things uncalled for, and won't answer politely if you ask? jerk.

so be polite event though your heart is aching, you don't even have to pay any cent.

7. if a hooker tells you that donating money is good, and a monk telling you the same thing, and then another imam have told you the exact same words, wouldn't the advise still bears the same meaning?

between a philanthropist who had donated millions to charity anonymously but is a christian, never hurt a soul and his life mission is to save as many dolphins as he can, and a muslim politicians donated like 1/1000th of that man amount, but held a press conference, press statements in a grandeur event, despite that money is donated to avoid tax, which nevertheless is of gamble and bribe money, who will be seen better in god's eye? (i'm talking to my fellow muslims)

ouh, before you started to speculate and answer, i should tell you there is no right answer. it is beyond us, who are we to judge?

8. people sometimes don't take me seriously because i look weird, and sometimes sound weird too. that's a profiling which our society had taught for years, and let's us make an effort to not judge a book by its covers.

9. i really, really need a break. my friend from bandung will come over next week. yay can't wait!

2010-01-30T17:14:00.000+07:00

random things. exam is on monday, i'm fcuked.

1. what's up with people say afdlin shauki film's are revolutionary? nothing impressive, actually. Papadom? i'll be damned if someone says that film deserved best picture award. hey, watch susuk and broaden your horizon, that is one creative story writing, terrific actors and basicallly what's need for a revolutionary film should have. even upin and ipin deserves best picture more than papadom.

the thing is, i see a lot of people say papadom is the best. are we talking about papadom the film? if not, i can't argue; papadom the food is definitely win.

2. life is hard. life is even harder when you got no money. it is even harder when you got more money. harder than hard when you count your money and it is not enough. and that's complicated.

i need more money, fuck love and all fairy magical things in the world, i want more money.

3. waking up in the morning is hard. so, wake up afternoon.

4. i have stopped believing in my country. we are buttfucked hard and how are gonna turn this around. i blame the government.

5. i found human healthy very chocolatey stool on a bridge to the bus station. human shits. in the broad daylight. in the midst of a very busy and crowded bridge. on a friday. okay the last one has nothing to do with it.

if you think about it, i don't know which one is depressing. the fact that someone simply poop while, without a doubt, people passing by because it is very afternoon, and don't even want to take a time to find a bush to take a dump behind OR that did no one cared when they saw someone just excrete his/her faeces, and like "hey that guy just pooped, i too did that this morning!"...man that's gonna etched in my brain FOREVER!!

oh, there also a shoe print on the stool, they were impartially stepped on. that is probably a very bad day for the person.

6. people nowadays are so politically correct. they concern about everything. this word, this place, this colour, this accent. all fusses about things. now i say this because people in the 60's or 70's are sooo politically incorrect. i remeber watching a movie in which in it, the parents smoke weed and make weird sex to each other after they put their children to bed. and they are good parents, the one who cook you omelette and read you bedtime stories. man if that is done nowadays, all sorts of organizations will rise up and claim immoral behaviour!

let's see the closest. nasyid group in 60's don't wear tudung at all. actress can berkemban riverside. man that was good times.

ironically, the people that are so politically correct nowadays are the babies from that decades. rendering mistakes, perhaps?

7. i see someone on facebook with a profile picture of her blowing a balloon. isn't that a signal for something? something sinister, maybe? erm...

8. i think i need a break.