i'm not in a relationship. i mean in a romantic relationship. so i had nothing to write about, unlike those people with their feelings, and problems, and bigger than world relationship. so, oh well, i yap pretty much about the same thing here. studies, friends, family, myself and anything else.

it's not that i'm not interested in politics, or religions. is just that those two things are so overly written, and so fixed to its place, that whatever i said if i even slipped one toe out of the line, it will be wrong, the whole thing would be incorrect. also, i'm lacking in those.

so anyway, i guess so far this jedi's journey has many, many objectives but so far can be rounded into one; having it the best of everything. at this wee hour of dawn, more and more as i'm getting older i realized that it is almost impossible. you see other people would settle with their life, if they got married, the rest will flow through the gate. first job, then marriage, probably house, car, kids and then they well into their 50s. with kids and grandkids, pretty much all set for death.

i'm hoping i'm one of those other people. things, are so complicated. and i'm not saying because i'm a depressed emo kid no one understands me, no. it's complicated. and i don't know what is wrong with me, but i have dreams i want to achieve. and that dream is needed fulfilling, they can't be abandoned. i don't know what went wrong but i'm pretty much wired to believe that all those things i'm dreaming of, won't happen if i followed the path the people before me have paved.

i don't know...i just don't see myself getting married before i have everything i ever wanted right in my hands. and i'm calculating that it might be when i'm 40 i can get everything set. be real. no one marry at 40s by choice. they are there in the first place because no one wants them. and i know....no one wants me. that's depressing. but hey it's nothing, it's good that we're being realistic.

my dreams on the other hand, isn't much but to see the world. i want to see the world, in a way people rarely see it that way. i want to reach the greatest places, to see how majestic god's creation is, to be reminded of his power, and how small we are compared to this massive playground we live in. and some other things. i don't know. i just don't see how would i do it.

i don't see myself as living with someone else in a house, i mean, with another adult. with a spouse. we have to have the idea how to but i just can't. i mean, someone on your bed, in your shower, in your kitchen, watching tv with ya...it sound nice in theory, but i don't think i'd be good in the field. but i can see clearly if i'm having kids.

for some reasons, i always imagine myself as a single dad. i don't know where i pick this twisted idea, must be subconciously, but that's how i see it. that's also how i imagine running, traveling around the world. single, or with some friends, most probably not a partner or spouse.

so, to the guy up there who deals and knows everything in store for me in the future, may she come and maybe complete the other half of my dreams. you know, since i see everything in single, maybe it won't be so bad if it's in double.

g