i was scared shitless when i found out i was about to receive another six months addition to my supposedly six years course i have now. with the impending effect from the ineffective management of the university that would leave us at least 5 year 9 months instead of 5 and a half as promised, god knows when would i able to finish my study. i was for a little while depressed and my self-esteem went down few notches, with the already dooming moral i have and my string of c's under my belt.

i put on a brave face, but i actually a fragile bubble inside. and there's no one to blame but me. my own stupidity. it's easy to blame others, and at times you might as well do it to spare you the burden of the guilt but this time i have no one to blame but put it on my own damn stupid face.

but i'm glad that phase was over. i'm so glad. not that i don't have to extend, that's still a big hanging question mark looming over campus, but now i can do something about it. i just have to have a sail smooth over the rough sea, oh yes it is rough, for the next two months.

anyway, i thought i need a break. i was so ready for the six month, i had a plan mapped in my head. get license, work, travel up to Bangkok, come back to Jakarta, travel down to Lombok and Sumbawa. it was perfect.

with the years fly by and i matured, i started to embrace the consequences of my decisions; taking this road, and the reality of my own self. i might not be harry potter, neo or luke skywalker who destined to be a great warrior and become one in only a short montage. maybe in those movies i would be the extra who would die at 3minute mark. i might not be special, i might not even unique. but i am me, a barrel of imperfections and mistakes, that i haven't had the time to regret, yet.

i might not even be happy, but i'm living, i have my family, i have my friends, i'm on my way to a promising career. maybe the idea of happiness isn't a montage of laugh in the summer, or a walk in the beaches like we see in the movie. maybe this is what happiness feels like, or at least what life feels like. 

i might not get the best things in life, this may not be the yellow brick road to my emerald city, heck, it may not even be emerald city. just some dull concrete city. point is, i might not get the best things in life but as far as i concern, that is none of my business. it's the invisible hand from upstairs. i am not a religious person and that sound almost cliche, paged out of any goody two shoes facebook status, but it is a fact of life. there is a mighty power spends 24 hours on your wheels. 

one fact holding me erected when i go limp especially when the bad day comes (puns intended), is that i'm writing my own story. i make my own decisions and god dammit i have to live it as it should be. i have been so long on my own (foreveralone) that  i have mastered the art of be patience because they will be no one to tell you, or don't cry because no one would wipe your tears, cheer up and keep walking, don't wait for anyone to tell you to, to hold you by the arms and drag you, no, i have dragged myself all these years. that may sound pathetic but it's a fact i am proud of. i'm writing my own legend, and i am my own people. :)

g